The Jesuit Guide To (Almost) Everything - James Martin [112]
Each time the doorbell rang, as I mentioned, Brother Alphonsus said, “I’m coming, Lord!” The practice reminded him to treat each person with as much respect as if it were Jesus himself at the door.
In 1605 Peter Claver, a twenty-five-year-old Jesuit seminarian, met the humble, seventy-two-year-old Alphonsus at the college. The two met almost daily for spiritual conversations, and in time Alphonsus encouraged Peter to think about working overseas in “the missions.” The prospect thrilled Peter, who wrote to his provincial for permission and was sent to Cartagena, in what is now Colombia, to work with the West African slaves who had been captured by traders and shipped to South America. For his tireless efforts to feed, counsel, and comfort the slaves, who had endured horrifying conditions, Peter would earn the sobriquet elesclavo de los esclavos, the slave of the slaves.
St. Peter Claver, the great missionary, was later canonized for his heroic efforts. St. Alphonsus Rodríguez was canonized for his own brand of heroism: a lifelong humility.
Alphonsus and Peter met every day to build up their friendship. But this did not prevent Alphonsus from encouraging Peter to volunteer for work in South America. Alphonsus gave Peter not only the gift of friendship but freedom, just as Ignatius, Peter, and Francis gave to one another.
SOME BARRIERS TO HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP
Given the centrality of freedom in relationships, it is not surprising that in his study on Jesuit friendship, Charles Shelton, the Jesuit psychologist, lists possessiveness as the first barrier to healthy friendship. Your friend may not be able to reciprocate the level of your feelings, given that his attention may be somewhere else, say, on a pressing family or work situation. The other person may also move to another town or city or may be less able to spend time with you, say, because of marriage or a new child. All these things may increase your sense of possessiveness and animate a desire to control the other.
Part of friendship is also giving the other person the freedom to grow and change. The desire for friendship should not overshadow the friend. But, as Father Barry noted in a conversation, there is another side to that desire for freedom. “The danger is that because people will move, or leave, or even die, you are tempted not to give your heart to people.”
Father Shelton’s cautionary list of other pitfalls is helpful not simply for Jesuits, but for anyone interested in healthy relationships.
Overactivity is one area where friendships founder because people are too busy to keep up with one another. One simply loses touch. Happily, I am blessed with many friends, and since I don’t have the responsibilities of a marriage, I have more time to keep up with them. For married couples, though, the burdens can be overwhelming, and cherished friends may fall away.
Married people reading this might think, How am I supposed to balance all the responsibilities of marriage and keep up with my friends? The point here is not to add burdens, but to relieve them. Marriages can never fully provide for all the emotional needs of a couple. Nor were they designed that way: in the past, marriages presumed the nurturing support of an extended family and the wider community. Friends are needed even for married couples. Healthy friendships outside a marriage help husbands and wives in their own relationship.
You Must Remember This
Some of the best advice from Jesuits on human relationships comes in earthy ways. When John O’Malley was a Jesuit novice, an older priest told him three things to remember when living in community: First, you’re not God. Second, this isn’t heaven. Third, don’t be an ass. Had I followed those guidelines earlier, I could have saved myself years of self-induced heartache.
Overactivity is an important