The Jesuit Guide To (Almost) Everything - James Martin [121]
Paula noted wryly that while everyone will say they are grateful for their friends, the examen makes it easier to focus on that gratitude. “The examen always helps in friendships and in family relationships,“ she said, ”because it helps with gratitude.“ For Sister Maddy, even days when friends aren’t present are occasions for being grateful for them. ”Every night during my examen, I remember my gratitude for friends—even if I’ve not been in contact with them on that particular day. I’m grateful for them wherever they are.”
Paul, the rector of a large Jesuit community in Boston, said that gratitude was the most neglected part of friendship. For many years, Paul was in charge of training young Jesuits in Boston and Chicago. He has a lifetime of experience in counseling others in their spiritual lives. “One of the most important parts of friendship is living in gratitude for the gift, and growing into that kind of gratitude,” he said.
Paul noted that one common problem in Jesuit friendships stemmed from a lack of gratitude. Without gratitude, you take friendship for granted. “You forget that it takes a little effort. And the small things matter: making time to call, staying in touch. If people can name a friendship and can appreciate it, they are more inclined to work at it.”
True friendships are hard to come by, Paul said, and they take work. And patience. “There are a small number of people who, for whatever reason, easily make and keep friends. But the vast majority of the human race has to ask for friendship and be patient in waiting for it to come. When we imagine friendships, we tend to imagine things happening instantly. But like anything that’s rich and wonderful, you grow into it.”
This chapter may have helped you to find ways to strengthen or deepen your appreciation of relationships with family and friends. But what about those readers for whom talk of friendship just reminds them of their loneliness? If this is where you are, you can still enjoy God’s friendship in prayer, seeing how God is active in your work, your reading, your hobbies.
Still, what can we say to those who long for a good friend?
It would be wrong to downplay the pain of loneliness: I have known many lonely people whose lives are often filled with sadness. Perhaps one thing I could suggest is to remain open to the possibility of meeting new friends and not move to despair, trusting, as much as you can, that God wants you someday to find a friend. The very desire for friendship is an invitation from God to reach out to others. Trust that God desires community for you, though that goal may seem far away.
“For those who wonder why it’s not happening faster in their lives,” Paul said, “I think that it’s more important to love and take the first step. And it also may seem that most people have to spend their lives giving more than receiving.”
“But at the end,” Paul said, “even with all the work that is involved, even if you only find one friend in your whole life, it’s worth it.”
Chapter Eleven
Surrendering to the Future
Obedience, Acceptance, and Suffering
ST. IGNATIUS WAS CRYSTAL clear about the place of obedience in the life of a Jesuit. Here’s how he began his discussion of the vow in the Constitutions, in a section called “What Pertains to Obedience.”
All should strongly dispose themselves to observe obedience and to distinguish themselves in it, not only in the matters of obligation but also in the others, even though nothing else be perceived except an indication of the superior’s will without an expressed command.
In other words, we Jesuits should be distinguished by our obedience so that even the indication of a superior’s intention should be enough reason to act. What’s more, we should receive the command from the superior “as if it were coming from Christ,” since we are practicing obedience out of love of God. We should be ready to set aside anything