The Land of Painted Caves - Jean M. Auel [293]
“I loved him the first time I saw him, before I even knew him, but he was so good to me, Zelandoni, especially when he showed me the Mother’s Gift of Pleasures. I asked him once how he could know things about me that I didn’t know about myself. He finally admitted that someone had taught him, an older woman, but I could tell he was greatly troubled. He really loved you, you know,” Ayla said. “He still does, in his way.”
“I loved him, too, and I still do, in my way. But I don’t think he ever loved me the way he loves you.”
“But I’ve been gone so much, especially at night. I’m surprised that I’m pregnant.”
“Maybe you are wrong about his essence mixing with yours inside you, Ayla. Maybe new life is started by the Great Mother choosing a man’s spirit and blending it with yours,” Zelandoni said, with a wry smile.
“No. I think I know when this one was started.” Ayla smiled. “I came home early one night, I just couldn’t concentrate, and I forgot to make my special tea. Now, I’m starting to love rain, especially at night, when I have to come in because I can’t see anything anyway. I’ll be glad when this watching year is over.” The young woman studied her mentor, then asked the question she had wanted to ask. “You said you had thought about mating. Why didn’t you?”
“Yes, I almost did mate once, but he was killed in a hunting accident. After he died, I buried myself in the training. No one else ever made me want to mate … except Jondalar. There was a time when I did consider him—he was so insistent, and he can be very persuasive—but you know it was forbidden. I was his donii-woman and, besides, he was so young. We would probably have had to move away from the Ninth Cave, and it might have been hard to find a place. I felt that it would be unfair to him; his family has always been important to him. It was hard enough for him to go to live with Dalanar,” the Donier said. “And I didn’t want to leave, either. Did you know I was selected for the zelandonia and started my training before I was a woman? I’m not sure when I finally realized that the zelandonia was more important to me than mating. And it’s just as well. I have never been Blessed by Doni. I’m afraid I would have been a childless mate.”
“I know the Second had children, but I don’t think I have ever seen a zelandoni who was pregnant,” Ayla said.
“Some become pregnant,” Zelandoni said. “They usually arrange to lose it in the first few moons, before they get very big. Some will carry a child full term, then give it to another woman to raise, often a barren woman who desperately wants a child. The mated ones usually keep the child, but few Zelandonia women are mated. It’s easier for the men. They can leave most of the child care to their mates. You know how difficult it can be. The demands of a mated woman, especially if she becomes a mother, often conflict with the needs of the zelandonia.”
“Yes, I know,” Ayla said.
All the people of the Ninth Cave were in a state of excited anticipation. They would be leaving for the Summer Meeting the next day and everyone was busily packing in the final rush of getting ready to leave. Ayla was helping Jondalar and Jonayla pack, deciding what to leave behind, what to take, and where to pack it, partly because she wanted to spend more time with them. Marthona was with them, too. This was the first time that she would not be going with her Cave to a Summer Meeting; she couldn’t walk very far anymore. She wanted to be around when they packed so she wouldn’t feel entirely left out. Ayla wished she didn’t have to stay back from the Meeting, but she was worried about Marthona and was glad she would be there to look after her.
Her mind was as alert as ever, but the woman’s health was failing, and she was so crippled with arthritis, sometimes she could hardly walk or even work on her loom. I can go later, after the Summer Longday, Ayla thought. She loved the woman as both a friend and a mother, and enjoyed her thoughtful wisdom and not-always-so-gentle wit. It would be a good opportunity to spend more time with her. Ayla thought