The Land of Painted Caves - Jean M. Auel [323]
“You were pregnant when you were called? Oh, Great Mother!” He was feeling panicky—he didn’t want her to leave like that. What could he say to keep her there, to keep her talking? “Ayla, I know you think that’s how new life starts, but you can’t be sure.”
“Yes, Jondalar, I can. The Great Mother told me. That was the Gift I received in exchange for my baby’s life.” She said it with such haunting, painful certainty, it left no room for doubt. “I thought we might try to start another, but I can see you are too busy for me.” He stood there, stunned, as she walked away.
“O Doni, Great Mother, what have I done?” Jondalar cried out in anguish. “I’ve made her stop loving me. Oh, why did she have to see us?”
He stumbled after her, forgetting his clothes. Then, as she hurried away, he dropped to his knees, and followed her with only his eyes. Look at her, he thought, she’s so thin! It must have been so hard for her. Some acolytes die. What if Ayla had died? I wasn’t even there to help her. Why didn’t I stay behind with her? I should have known she was almost ready, her training was nearly over, but I wanted to come to the Summer Meeting. I didn’t think what might happen to her. All I could think of was myself.
As Ayla was lost to sight, he hunched forward, closed his eyes, and buried his face in his hands, as though trying not to see what he had done.
“Why did I couple with Marona?” he moaned aloud. Ayla has never coupled with anyone but me, he thought, not since Ranec, not since we left the Mamutoi. Even at ceremonies and festivals to honor the Mother, when almost everyone chooses someone else, she has never chosen anyone but me. People talk about it. How many men have looked at me with envy, thinking what great Pleasure I must give her, for her never to choose anyone else.
“Why did Ayla have to see us?”
I never thought she would get here in the daytime. I thought she’d ride all day and get here late. I thought it was safe to come here during the day. I never wanted to cause Ayla pain. She’s had enough pain. And now she’s lost a baby. I didn’t even know she was going to have another baby, and she lost it.
Did it really start that night? It was such an incredible night. I could hardly believe it when she came to bed and woke me up. Will it ever be like that again? She said the Mother wanted our baby. Was it our baby? In exchange Doni gave her a Gift. Ayla was given a Gift from the Mother? The Mother told her it was our baby, my baby and hers.
“Did Ayla lose my baby?” Jondalar said, his forehead knotted with the familiar frown.
Why did she come here? She said she wanted to start another baby. Was she looking for me? We always came to this swimming hole the last time the Meeting was here. I should have thought about that. I shouldn’t have brought Marona here. Especially Marona. I knew how Ayla would feel if she found out about her, that’s why I made Marona promise never to tell.
“Why did she have to see us?” he beseeched the vacant woods. “Have I become so used to her never choosing anyone else that I’ve forgotten what it was like for me?” He recalled the bitter pain and desolation he had felt the time she chose Ranec. I know how she must have felt when she saw me with Marona, he thought. Just the way I did when Ranec told her to come to his bed and she went, but she didn’t know then. She thought she was supposed to go with him. How would I feel if she chose someone else now?
I tried to drive her away then because I was so hurt, but she still loved me. She made a Matrimonial tunic for me even when she was promised to Ranec. Jondalar felt the same wretched torment at the thought of losing her now as he had when he thought he was going to lose her to Ranec. Only this time it was worse. This time he was the one who had hurt her.
Ayla ran blindly ahead, tears clouding her vision, but they could not wash away her misery. She had thought