The Land of Painted Caves - Jean M. Auel [370]
“It’s never that bad, Zelandoni. Sometimes things get a little scarce in the spring, but you can always find something to eat,” Ayla said.
“And I hope that will always be true, but a woman usually feels more secure if she has a mate to help her.”
“Sometimes two women share a hearth and help each other with their children,” Ayla said. She was thinking about Aldanor’s people, the S’Armunai, and Attaroa, who tried to get rid of all the men.
“And they may become mates to each other. It is always better to have someone around to help, someone who cares, but most women choose men. It’s the way the Mother created most of us, and you have told us why, Ayla.”
Ayla glanced over toward the man in the bed. “But if you knew everything was going to change, Zelandoni, why did you allow it to happen? You’re the First. You could have stopped it,” Ayla said.
“Perhaps, for a while. But the Mother would not have told you if She didn’t want Her children to know. And once She decided, it was inevitable. It could not be kept a secret. When a truth is ready to be known, it may be delayed, but can’t be stopped,” Zelandoni said.
Ayla closed her eyes, thinking. Finally she opened them and said, “Jondalar was so … angry. So violent.” Tears were welling up.
“The violence has always been there, Ayla. It is for most men. You know what Jondalar did to Madroman, and he was little more than a boy then. He has just learned to keep it under control, most of the time.”
“But he couldn’t stop hitting him. He nearly killed Laramar. Why?”
“Because you chose Laramar, Ayla. Everyone heard Jondalar yelling, ‘He’s making my baby.’ You can be sure no man has forgotten those words. Why did you choose Laramar?”
Ayla bowed her head and tears tracked down her face as quiet sobs began. Finally she got it out. “Because Jondalar chose Marona.” The tears she had held back for so long were suddenly flowing and there was no stopping them. “Oh, Zelandoni, I never knew what jealousy was until that moment when I saw them together. I’d just lost my baby, and I’d been thinking about Jondalar and looking forward to seeing him, and maybe starting another baby with him. It hurt so much to see him with Marona, and it made me so angry, I wanted to make him hurt, too.” Zelandoni found a piece of soft bandaging material and gave it to her to wipe her eyes and her nose.
“And he wouldn’t talk to me afterward. He didn’t say he was sorry I lost the baby. Or hold me and comfort me. He didn’t even touch me, not once. He never said one word to me. It hurt even more when he wouldn’t talk to me. He didn’t even give me a chance to be angry. To tell him how I felt. I wasn’t even sure if he still loved me.” She sniffled, and wiped away more tears, then continued.
“When Jondalar saw me at the feast, and finally came over to say he wanted to talk to me, Laramar happened to be nearby. I know Jondalar has no respect for Laramar. There is no man he dislikes more. He thinks Laramar not only treats his mate and her children badly, he causes other men to do the same. I knew it would make Jondalar angry if I chose Laramar instead of him, I knew it would hurt him. But I didn’t know he would get so brutal. I didn’t know he would try to kill him. I just didn’t know.”
Zelandoni reached for Ayla and held her while she cried. “I thought it was something like that,” she said, patting her back and letting her get her tears out, but her mind was filling in details.
I should have paid closer attention, Zelandoni thought. I knew she had just miscarried, and that always brings on feelings of melancholy, and I knew Jondalar was not handling the problem well. He never does in this kind of situation, but Ayla seemed to be. I knew she was upset about Jondalar. I didn’t realize how much. I should have, but she’s hard to assess. It surprised me that she was called. I didn’t think she was quite ready, but I knew it had happened the moment I saw her.
I thought it was difficult for her, especially with the miscarriage, but she has always been so strong. I didn’t realize