The Last Empress - Anchee Min [69]
My brother, Kuei Hsiang, arrived drunk. His wife wore a hair board with ornaments piled up like a pagoda. Since she could hardly turn her head, she talked while her eyes rolled from side to side.
Emperor Guang-hsu, now seventeen, looked handsome and confident in a sunlight-colored silk robe. He had made it clear to the royal clan that he wouldn't take more than one Empress and two concubines. I gave him my support.
By now I was familiar with the unique ways of boys raised as the Son of Heaven. They lived inside their heads. For Tung Chih, living had meant escaping himself. For Guang-hsu it meant denying his own humanity, for he believed that it was pleasure that had destroyed Tung Chih.
The list of choices for the new Empress was long. The royal clan spent days in discussion. Finally my brother's twenty-year-old daughter, Lan, was nominated.
My room became dark after the sun set. The eunuchs came and added coal to the heaters. Guang-hsu and I sat facing each other. He let me know that he wasn't keen on getting married. I convinced him that in order to claim himself as an adult and officially mount the throne, he must first get married.
"I can't afford to waste time," he complained. "But wasting time is mostly what I do!"
"What do you think of your cousin Lan?" I asked.
"What about her?"
"She is plain," I said, "but character-wise, she is well versed in art, literature and music."
"If she is your choice," Guang-hsu said, "she will be mine."
"She is three years older than you and perhaps more mature. She might not strike your fancy, but you grew up together and you know each other. It is you, however, who must choose."
"We get along." Guang-hsu's face turned red. "I have seen her paintings, although I don't really feel as if I know her."
"She would like very much to be your Empress."
"Has she really said that?" Guang-hsu asked.
I nodded.
"Well, that's nice..." He hesitated and rose from his chair. "I suppose she is the right one, then. You like her, and that's what matters to me."
"Do you mind Lan's lack of beauty?"
"Why should I mind?"
"Most men would."
"I am not most men."
"Well, both of you are not only my closest blood relations but also people I can truly trust. However, I would not be able to forgive myself if matching you two led to unhappiness."
Guang-hsu went quiet. After a while he said, "In my eyes Lan is beautiful and has always been kind."
I began to relax and felt hopeful.
"Within the family," Guang-hsu continued, "Lan was the one who always protected me when others ridiculed me."
"You are not doing this to please me, are you, Guang-hsu?"
"It would be dishonest to deny that I intend to please you," he said. "I don't think I am allowed to postpone my marriage, since I have already postponed it twice. The world thinks that the reason I am not married is because you refuse to step down."
I was moved by his concern for me. I said nothing, but my eyes grew tearful—I lost Tung Chih but gained Guang-hsu.
"Mother, let's just get it over with. If there is any chance that I shall fall in love, Lan would be the one."
Now I felt nervous and asked Guang-hsu to give himself a few months to think about Lan before making a final decision.
We walked along the shore of Kun Ming Lake where the view was serene. Shrouded in mist, the hills looked like a giant watercolor painting, and the rippling lake reminded me of watered silk.
I sighed when Tung Chih came to mind. "I wished that I had known how to please Alute."
"Let me make you happy again, Mother," Guang-hsu said softly.
The Big Dipper hung bright in the purple sky. That night Li Lien-ying applied green-tea-enriched dandelion cream on my skin and massaged my limbs. Something unsettling had descended over me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. In the future I would wish that I had continued my conversation with Guang-hsu.
I could only say that it was exactly what life was about: a mystery in which one can never know where one truly is.
23
Guang-hsu chose