The Last Hero - Terry Pratchett [18]
Evil Harry knelt in front of a hastily constructed altar. It consisted mostly of skulls, which were not hard to find in this cruel landscape. And now he prayed. In a long lifetime of being a Dark Lord, even in a small way, he'd picked up a few contacts on the other planes. They were... sort of gods, he supposed. They had names like Olk-Kalath the Soul Sucker, but, frankly, the overlap between demons and gods was a bit uncertain at the best of times.
"Oh, Mighty One," he began, always a safe beginning and the religious equivalent of 'To Whom It May Concern', "I have to warn you that a bunch of heroes are climbing the mountain to destroy you with returned fire. May you strike them down with wrathful lightning and then look favourably upon thy servant, i.e. Evil Harry Dread. Mail may be left with Mrs Gibbons, 12 Dolmen View, Pant-y-Girdl, Llamedos. Also if possible I should like a location with real lava pits, every other evil lord manages to get a dread lava pit even when they are on one hundred feet of bloody alluvial soil, excuse my Klatchian, this is further discrimination against the small trader, no offence meant."
He waited a moment, just in case there was any reply, sighed, and got rather shakily to his feet.
"I'm an evil, distrustful Dark Lord," he said. "What do they expect? I told 'em. I warned 'em. I mean, if it was up to me... but where'd I stand as a Dark Lord if I —"
His eye caught something pink, a little way off. He climbed a snow-covered rock for a better look.
Two minutes later the rest of the Horde had joined him and were looking at the scene reflectively, although the minstrel was being sick.
"Well, that's something you don't often see," said Cohen.
"What, a man throttled with pink knitting wool?" said Caleb.
"No, I was looking at the other two..."
"Yes, it's amazing what you can do with a knitting needle," said Cohen. He glanced back at the makeshift altar and grinned. "Did you do this, Harry? You said you wanted to be alone."
"Pink knitting wool?" said Evil Harry nervously. "Me and pink knitting wool?"
"Sorry for suggestin" it," said Cohen. "Well, we ain't got time for this. Let's go and sort out the Caves of Dread. Where's our bard? Right. Stop throwin' up and get yer notebook out. First man to be cut in half by a concealed blade is a rotten egg, okay? And, everyone... try not to wake up Hamish, all right?"
The sea was full of cool green light.
Captain Carrot sat near the prow. To the astonishment of Rincewind, who'd got out for a gloomy evening walk, he was sewing.
"It's a badge for the mission," said Carrot. "See? This is yours." He held it up.
"But what is it for?"
"Morale."
"Ah, that stuff," said Rincewind. "Well, you've got lots, Leonard doesn't need it and I've never had any."
"I know you are being good-humoured about it, but I think it's vital that there is something that holds the crew together," said Carrot, still calmly sewing.
"Yes, it's called skin. It's important to keep all of you on the inside of it."
Rincewind stared at the badge. He'd never had one before. Well, that was technically a lie... he'd had one that said 'Hello, I Am 5 Today!', which was just about the worst possible present to get when you are six. That birthday had been the rottenest day of his life.
"It needs an uplifting motto," said Carrot. "Wizards know about this sort of thing, don't they?"
"How about Morituri Nolumus Mori, that's got the right ring," said Rincewind gloomily.
Carrot's lips moved as he parsed the sentence. "We who are about to die..." he said, "but I don't recognise the rest."
"It's very uplifting," said Rincewind. "It's straight from the heart."
"Very well. Many thanks. I'll get to work on it right away," said Carrot.
Rincewind sighed. "You're finding this exciting, aren't you?" he said. "You actually are."
"It will certainly be a challenge to go where no one has gone before," said Carrot.
"Wrong! We're going where no one has come back from before." Rincewind hesitated. "Well, except me. But I didn't go that far, and I... sort