The Last Hero - Terry Pratchett [26]
Lord Vetinari cast his eye over the three... what was the word?
"Men," he said, settling for one that was undoubtedly correct, "it falls to me to congratulate you on... on..."
He hesitated. Lord Vetinari was not a man who delighted in the technical. There were two cultures, as far as he was concerned. One was the real one, the other was occupied by people who liked machinery and ate pizza at unreasonable hours.
"... on being the first people to leave the Disc with the resolute intention of returning to it," he went on. "Your... mission is to land on or near Con Celesti, locate Cohen the Barbarian and his men, and by whatever means feasible stop this ridiculous scheme of theirs. There must be some misunderstanding. Even barbarian heroes generally draw the line at blowing up the world." He sighed. "They're usually not civilised enough for that," he added. "Anyway... we implore him to listen to reason, et cetera. Barbarians are generally sentimentalists. Tell him about all the dear little puppies that will be killed, or something. Beyond that, I can't advise you further. I suspect classical force is out of the question. If Cohen was easy to kill, people would have done it a long time ago."
Captain Carrot saluted. "Force is always the last resort, sir," he said.
"I believe that for Cohen it's the first choice," said Lord Vetinari.
"He's not too bad if you don't come up behind him suddenly," said Rincewind.
"Ah, there is the voice of our mission specialist," said the Patrician. "I just hope — What is that on your badge, Captain Carrot?"
"Mission motto, sir," said Carrot cheerfully. "Morituri Nolumus Mori. Rincewind suggested it."
"I imagine he did," said Lord Vetinari, observing the wizard coldly. "And would you care to give us a colloquial translation, Mr Rincewind?"
"Er..." Rincewind hesitated, but there really was no escape. "Er... roughly speaking, it means, 'We who are about to die don't want to', sir."
"Very clearly expressed. I commend your determination... Yes?"
Ponder had whispered something in his ear.
"Ah, I'm informed that we have to leave you shortly," said Lord Vetinari. "Mr Stibbons tells me that there is a means of keeping in touch with you, at least until you're close to the mountain."
"Yes, sir," said Carrot. "The fractured omniscope. An amazing device. Each part sees what the other parts sees. Astonishing."
"Well, I trust your new careers will be uplifting if not, ahaha, meteoric. To your places, gentlemen."
"Er... I just want to take an iconograph, sir," said Ponder, hurrying forward and clutching a large box. "To record the moment? If you would all stand in front of the flag and smile, please... that means the corners of your mouth go up, Rincewind... thank you." Ponder, like all bad photographers, took the shot just a fraction of a second after the smiles had frozen. "And do you have any last words?"
"You mean, last words before we go and come back?" said Carrot, his brow wrinkling.
"Oh, yes. Of course. That's what I meant! Because of course you will be coming back, won't you?" said Ponder, far too quickly in Rincewind's opinion. "I have absolute confidence in Mr da Quirm's work, and I'm sure he has too."
"Oh, dear. No, I never bother to have any confidence," said Leonard.
"You don't?"
"No, things just work. You don't have to wish," said Leonard. "And, of course, if we do fail, then things won't be that bad, will they? If we fail to come back, there won't be anywhere left to fail to come back to in any case, will there? So it will all cancel out." He gave his happy little smile. "Logic is a great comfort in times like this, I always find."
"Personally," said Captain Carrot, "I am happy, thrilled and delighted to be going." He tapped a box by his side. "And I am, as instructed, also bringing along an iconograph and intend to take many useful and deeply moving images of our world from the perspective of space which will perhaps cause us to see humanity in an entirely new light."
"Is this the time to resign from the crew?" said Rincewind, staring