The last secret_ a novel - Mary McGarry Morris [58]
“What's her problem?” Nora asked her disappointed mother after hearing the litany of Carol's reasons why spring break wasn't a good time for her to come.
“Selfishness mainly.” Her mother's answer shocked Nora. It was the first negative word she'd ever heard uttered about her sister. But if Carol had cut her family ties, her mother only blamed herself Through the years she would regret having expected too much of her older daughter after her husband's sudden death. Carol should have been out having fun instead of being burdened with so much responsibility. With Mrs. Trimble's abrupt return to teaching, she needed Carol to be at the house when Nora got home from school. She needed Carol to drive Nora to Girl Scout meetings and tennis lessons, then home again, often skipping her own extracurricular activities. She needed Carol to start dinner so that by the time she got there they wouldn't have to eat too late. Carol was expected to work her way through UMass, waitressing nights and weekends. And then, as soon as Carol could, days after graduation, she was gone, clear across the country with bright but humorless Les, one of only three men in their nursing class.
“They're doing well,” Carol says now when Nora asks about the twins, the niece and nephew she barely knows. Allison is at Caltech starting on her master's and Jacob is taking some time off to paint. “For his art,” Carol said the last time she and Nora talked. Jacob dropped out of college three years ago, but Carol continues to make it sound as if it has only just happened.
“That's wonderful,” Nora says. “And Les, how's he doing?”
There's a pause.
“Actually, I've been meaning to call. I … Well, Les and I, we've come to a … an agreement.”
“Oh?”
“We don't live together anymore.”
“Oh. Well, that's not good. I mean … well, what does that mean? Are you separated or divorced or—”
“He's moved. Closer to the hospital. So now his commute's only half what it was. Twenty-six minutes to be exact.”
“And you're okay with that?”
“As okay as I can be,” Carol says with a fluttery lilt, helpless wings in a downward spiral.
“What happened?”
“The usual. Midlife crisis and all that.” Her voice cracks.
“Carol. I'm so sorry.” You're not the only one, she wants to say but doesn't. Let there be one person in her life who doesn't know she's been betrayed, one person whose vision of her holds, one person not thinking “poor thing” whenever they talk.
“It's so strange. I mean it's not as if he's with someone else. He's just … he just wants to be alone.”
“Maybe he's just trying to work something out.” His sexuality, Nora thinks, immediately ashamed of the malice in her heart. While Les has never been unkind to her, he's never been kind either. Only disinterested. Remote. The few times she and her mother did visit, he'd get up from the table and watch television.
“If it was another woman, that I could understand. Or make some sense of But this is just pure rejection. Of me. Me, he doesn't want to be with,” Carol sobs.
“Oh, Care. I wish I was there so I could give you a great big hug right now.”
“I'm all right.” Carol pauses to blow her nose. “I'm fine,” she insists. “It's just the way everything's changing. It's hard. You wake up one morning and everything's different.”
Not so different, Nora thinks. Les hasn't changed, only Carol's illusions have. Like her own.
“I don't even make the bed anymore,” Carol says. “I mean, what's the point? It's just me. I haven't run the dishwasher in days. And I look terrible.