The last secret_ a novel - Mary McGarry Morris [89]
“Why? What am I supposed to do?” he growled, thumping the cushion with his fist.
She was relieved by his anger. “Just tell me what's going on, what you're thinking, what you're feeling.” Bombs dropping from the sky, explosions of light and dust. She turned off the television.
He was chewing the side of his thumbnail.
“Like right now, what're you thinking about? Please, Drew, tell me.” She moved closer and tried to put her arm around him, but he leaned forward, almost cringing from her. “It's me, isn't it? The way I've been lately. My moods … I know … It can't be easy not knowing who you're waking up to in the morning, Attila the Hun or this strange lady who looks like your mother but doesn't act like her anymore.”
“You're not strange.” His voice cracked.
“Oh, Drew. Honey. I love you so much. Please don't worry. Everything's going to be all right. Really. It is.” Realizing that he was crying, she tried again to hug him, but he pulled away. “Sometimes it's hard to talk about your problems. I know. I was the same way. I still am. But I try, and that's all I'm asking you to do. Please, Drew?”
“I'm going up now,” he said, quickly standing.
“Drew! I'll make an appointment. Someone you can talk to. At least that—”
“No, don't!”
Trying to get every word right, she has been recounting this conversation for Ken, but he seems distracted, impatient for her to finish. “But I'm going to anyway.” She means finding a therapist for Drew. “He's all bottled up inside. He needs to get it out.”
“He'll be all right.” Ken checks his watch for the third time.
“No, I can tell. He needs to talk to someone.”
“He's a kid. He's moody. He'll get over it.”
“I don't know. I'm worried. I think we should call someone.”
“Let's not go down that route yet,” Ken says, opening the study door. “We don't need another Stephen in the family, do we?”
“That's a strange thing to say,” she calls after him, “when you're seeing someone yourself every week.”
He turns back, glaring, then seems to realize what she means. “I'll talk to him. Okay?” he adds, his coldness a deft and sudden scalpel. She can't do this anymore.
“No! It's not okay! We need more than that.”
“What? What do you want me to do?” He looks almost frantic.
“No, you tell me! What do you want to do?”
“I'm trying, Nora. You know I am.”
“Trying what? To save our marriage? Or are you just putting in your time here? Because that's what it feels like.”
“Just so you know,” he says with a bitter hiss. “You're not the only one hurting.”
“Actually, I'm getting better at that, the hurting. And the anger. No, what's really messing me up now's all up here,” she says, tapping her temple. “Because I don't get it. I still don't know what happened. I really, really don't. What did I do wrong, Ken? And don't keep saying nothing!” she warns because he's shaking his head and won't look at her. “That's just too insulting! I tried to be a good wife. And I think I was—most of the time. Wasn't I? I loved you. How did I hurt you? What was it about me you didn't want, that you couldn't stand anymore? When we made love? Was I—”
“No.” He rubs his face with both hands. “Don't—”
“Don't what? Don't be honest? Don't tell you how much I still love you? And how sorry I am for my part in this? I know sometimes you think I'm cold—”
“Nora—”
“No. Listen. Please! I need you to listen. The thing is, deep down, I never felt good enough—for you or the kids—or anyone. And I think that's what happened. That's the problem, isn't it? Because I hold everything in and I shouldn't, but it's hard for me. I'm so afraid of losing anyone that I just shut down. It's safer that way. Even now, there's so much I need to tell you, things I've never said before—to anyone. And I … I still can't. But I want to, Ken. I have to. But I need your help. Because, lately … I can't even think straight. And it scares me. It really does.”
He puts his hands on her shoulders, but can barely meet her gaze. “You don't deserve any of this.”
“Why?”
“Because,” he finally whispers. “You're one of the finest