The Last Victim_ A True-Life Journey Into the Mind of the Serial Killer - Jason Moss [17]
To this day, I’m still not able to predict when my mom’s mood will change. But in her defense, I can be difficult at times—stubborn, surly, and yes, manipulative. It just amazed her that I was able to get away with the things I did, without paying what she believed was a fair price.
I’d somehow always known how to get people to open up, to tell me things they’d never admit to anyone else. I knew just what buttons to push, and once I had the information stored up, I felt armed in case they lashed out.
Reflecting on it, I think I employed this strategy with everyone else because I couldn’t do it with my mother. She rarely told me anything about herself, but she demanded that I tell her everything about what was going on in my life. And each time we got into a fight, she used whatever I’d confided to her against me. Given the circumstances, it’s not surprising I was unwilling to trust others, or that I constantly wore a mask to hide my true self.
7
Perfection and Fear
I was the firstborn son in my family, the first grandchild, the first nephew among my many uncles, and the first child among all of my parents’ friends.
“He was spoiled rotten,” my mother would tell anyone who asked about me. “He was doted on by everyone. Because he was constantly surrounded by other adults, he was always the center of attention. They played games with him and always let him win. To this day, Jason can’t stand losing. He will do anything to make sure he is the one in control.”
Needless to say, this was a sore point in our relationship. Winning was not just a game for me; it was as if my whole life was at stake every time I was asked to perform: whether playing a game, taking a test, or participating in a discussion. I had to be the best at everything I tried.
During my early school years, I was a model student— not only in my grades but in my citizenship. There was one elementary school teacher who deducted “points” for the least infraction, whether it was a late homework assignment or talking out of turn. Over the course of an entire year, I managed to avoid a single demerit, a feat the teacher found incredible if not troubling.
“I very much enjoy having Jason in my class,” she explained during one parent conference.
“So what’s the problem, then?” my mother replied.“
It’s not really a problem so much as it’s an area of concern.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” my father pressed.
“Well, it just seems that Jason is very diligent about making sure he does everything in class exactly right. In fact, I’ve never seen anything quite like this.”
She then described her point system and the many things a child could do that would result in a lost point. “Most kids, you see, lose a point here and there for their handwriting, or talking without raising their hands, or forgetting to turn in a homework assignment. That kind of thing. Your son, though, has never lost a point for anything!”
The looks of confusion on my parents’ faces immediately transformed into gigantic smiles. Rather than be surprised by this report, they were relieved to hear I was continuing my perfect record.
“No, no,” the teacher continued. “You misunderstand. I mean, you should be proud that Jason’s work is excellent. My concern is that he is a little too diligent. It’s just not altogether healthy for someone so young to be concerned with doing everything perfectly.”
My parents finally got what the teacher was talking about. They’d also been bewildered by similar behavior at home. My father blurted out, almost without thinking, “You know, it would be good for him to lose a point here and there, just so he can get used to the idea. Maybe he’d loosen up a little.”
The teacher agreed. From that remark, a plan was born in which it was decided that sometime during the upcoming week, she would manufacture some arbitrary reason for deducting a point.
But it wasn’t until the next report that I became aware of