The Last Victim_ A True-Life Journey Into the Mind of the Serial Killer - Jason Moss [27]
I felt the beginnings of confusion even as early as this second letter. If I didn’t know who this guy was, or what he did, I would have found him, despite the sexual innuendo, interesting—even engaging. Since I was feeling somewhat alienated and lonely, I almost welcomed his offer of friendship. I admit this only with the greatest reluctance; the more rational part of me was well aware of what he was trying to do and realized he wasn’t the slightest bit interested in my welfare. Gacy’s game was to find a little diversion in his otherwise restricted, boring life stuck in a cell twenty-three hours a day.
Studying the letter more thoroughly, I noticed the many references to masturbation. This would become a common theme in Gacy’s letters as he jumped from one subject to the next, and then abruptly started talking about sex in the most provocative and disgusting way he could. I found this pornographic streak especially difficult to take. Although I was certainly no prude, I did have a fairly idealized view of sex, and it certainly didn’t include sadomasochistic or incestuous practices. I felt secure in my own heterosexual inclinations, but the constant references to homosexuality were unsettling because in my role-playing guise I’d be forced to grapple with them.
I assumed from his letter that my answers to his questionnaire intrigued him and that he wished to know more. He seemed to be defending himself, letting me know that what I probably knew about him was just media sensationalism. The message was clear: to learn the truth—Gacy’s truth—I’d need to ask him directly.
At this point I knew I had Gacy’s attention, but the question was, for how long? I had no idea how many others were competing for his time and attention. To ensure that I remained his focus, I decided, in my next letter, to continue modeling myself on his “ideal victim” by painting myself as both sexually active and submissive.
December 12, 1993
Dear John,
I will be honest with you. I AM a very liberal person. I wrote modestly because I was afraid that you would show my letters to others. Since you said you would not do that, I will be more relaxed with you in writing. When I was discussing sex, I stated that I was interested in trying a lot of different things. Although I haven’t tried much myself, I have an open mind to try many different things. Right now there is an older woman who keeps forcing herself on me. She is one of my mother’s friends, and last week she told me to go down on her. I felt uncomfortable, and just wanted to do as she said. I was afraid to cause any trouble.
Well, I will not bore you with that problem. John, I know we just started corresponding, but I was wondering how you felt about writing me. I think you are a great guy, and I am really taking a personal interest in the letters you write me. I hope it is the same on your part. Is it?
Like I mentioned to you before, I really want us to become friends, and for you to say what is on your mind. I don’t always want to ask you specific questions, I would rather you just volunteer information as the thoughts go through your head, good or bad. . . . The only other things I would like to know about you are the ideas, thoughts, and emotions that enter your mind. (Boring or exciting, it does not matter to me, I am truly fascinated and interested in the things you think about.) It does not matter if your letters become 20 pages long, I am interested, and it is very important to me. (As long as you feel comfortable with it of course.)
Your friend,
Jason Moss
In retrospect, I was naive to think that Gacy would confide in me by letter secrets he’d never told anyone before, or that he