The Liberation of Alice Love - Abby McDonald [116]
“There’s actually something I’ve been meaning to ask…” Nathan began, after they’d been sitting in comfortable silence for a moment. “This thing, with Ella.” He gave her a cautious look. “Why is it you want to find her so bad? And don’t tell me it’s about the money,” he added. “Because we both know that’s not true.”
Alice began to trace an absent pattern on his palm. She wanted to be honest, but something held her back from admitting the full extent of her compulsion. Would he even understand? “I don’t know,” she began slowly. “I just—it feels like I’m supposed to follow her, like she would want me to.”
“But she can’t have.” Nathan looked at her with obvious concern. “She ripped you off and fled the country. The last thing she’d want is anyone coming after her.”
Alice felt the urge to defend Ella but carefully swallowed it back. “I just can’t help it. Don’t you ever feel this way about your cases, as if…As if you’re playing some kind of game, and it’s you and them in this grand battle of wits?”
“Yes, but it’s a job for me. I don’t know the people I’m chasing, and I don’t for one minute think I ever will.” He paused, as if deciding whether or not to say something. “I don’t want to sound like I’m telling you what to do, because we both know how that turns out.” He gave her a wry smile. “I just think, you’re too attached to this woman. Or to your idea of her,” he corrected. “I mean, that’s all you’ve got, isn’t it? She lied about everything else.”
Alice said nothing. She knew it might sound absurd to anyone else, but she really did know Ella now—more than she ever had when they were supposedly friends. The scraps of her life she’d left on the paper trail added up to something more than a blank debit outline: they were moments in her life, dozens of tiny choices.
“I just worry what’s going to happen in the end of all this.” Nathan looked at her, affection clear in his eyes. “When you don’t find what you’re looking for.”
Alice had a different concern: what happened when she did?
But as they sat, Nathan’s body warm beside her, Alice realized what he was offering—and how much she might lose if he found out the true extent of her investigations. He followed the rules, he’d made that clear, and here she was accumulating a whole library of little white lies in pursuit of her truth.
“Maybe you’re right,” she replied carefully. “Maybe I should just let it all go. Stop looking for her, the money—everything.”
“It wouldn’t be like she’d won,” Nathan agreed. “But you’d be saving yourself all this trouble.” He put his arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer. Alice let herself lean into him, soothed by the steady rise and fall of his chest as a group of people clattered past, their heels tapping on the cobblestones. She felt guilty for what was about to come next, but the opportunity was too convenient not to take.
When the people were out of sight, she slipped her fingers through his free hand, closing it around her palm. “So, should we stop?”
“Looking for Ella, you mean?”
“And the money.” Alice held her breath. It would be such a simple way out; no threat of anyone else tracking it back to Safe Haven, no messy questions tainting their good intentions or Ella’s good deed. It could all just be forgotten to everyone—except her.
Nathan drew back slightly to look at her. “You’d be OK with that?”
“I think so,” Alice lied.
“Then I reckon it’s for the best.” Nathan sounded relieved. “It can’t have been easy for you, having this constant reminder that she betrayed your trust.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Alice murmured. He was wrong: the constant reminder was a good thing—urging her on to delve deeper, risk more. But she didn’t want the chance of the police to find Ella before she did. No, Alice wanted to look Ella in the eye herself and have her know she was the one who found her. Not such