The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy [115]
foot upon the first step from the landing.--This Trismegistus, continued my father, drawing his leg back and turning to my uncle Toby--was the greatest (Toby) of all earthly beings--he was the greatest king--the greatest lawgiver--the greatest philosopher--and the greatest priest--and engineer--said my uncle Toby.
--In course, said my father.
Chapter 2.XLVII.
--And how does your mistress? cried my father, taking the same step over again from the landing, and calling to Susannah, whom he saw passing by the foot of the stairs with a huge pin-cushion in her hand--how does your mistress? As well, said Susannah, tripping by, but without looking up, as can be expected.--What a fool am I! said my father, drawing his leg back again--let things be as they will, brother Toby, 'tis ever the precise answer--And how is the child, pray?--No answer. And where is Dr. Slop? added my father, raising his voice aloud, looking over the ballusters-- Susannah was out of hearing.
Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, crossing the landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst he propounded it to my uncle Toby--of all the puzzling riddles, said he, in a marriage state,--of which you may trust me, brother Toby, there are more asses loads than all Job's stock of asses could have carried--there is not one that has more intricacies in it than this--that from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in it, from my lady's gentlewoman down to the cinder-wench, becomes an inch taller for it; and give themselves more airs upon that single inch, than all their other inches put together.
I think rather, replied my uncle Toby, that 'tis we who sink an inch lower.--If I meet but a woman with child--I do it.--'Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother Shandy, said my uncle Toby--'Tis a piteous burden upon 'em, continued he, shaking his head--Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing--said my father, shaking his head too--but certainly since shaking of heads came into fashion, never did two heads shake together, in concert, from two such different springs.
God bless / Deuce take 'em all--said my uncle Toby and my father, each to himself.
Chapter 2.XVLIII.
Holla!--you, chairman!--here's sixpence--do step into that bookseller's shop, and call me a day-tall critick. I am very willing to give any one of
'em a crown to help me with his tackling, to get my father and my uncle Toby off the stairs, and to put them to bed.
--'Tis even high time; for except a short nap, which they both got whilst Trim was boring the jack-boots--and which, by-the-bye, did my father no sort of good, upon the score of the bad hinge--they have not else shut their eyes, since nine hours before the time that doctor Slop was led into the back parlour in that dirty pickle by Obadiah.
Was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this--and to take up-- Truce.
I will not finish that sentence till I have made an observation upon the strange state of affairs between the reader and myself, just as things stand at present--an observation never applicable before to any one biographical writer since the creation of the world, but to myself--and I believe, will never hold good to any other, until its final destruction-- and therefore, for the very novelty of it alone, it must be worth your worships attending to.
I am this month one whole year older than I was this time twelve-month; and having got, as you perceive, almost into the middle of my third volume (According to the preceding Editions.)--and no farther than to my first day's life--'tis demonstrative that I have three hundred and sixty-four days more life to write just now, than when I first set out; so that instead of advancing, as a common writer, in my work with what I have been doing at it--on the contrary, I am just thrown so many volumes back--was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this--And why not?--and the transactions and opinions of it to take up as much description--And for what reason should they be cut short?
--In course, said my father.
Chapter 2.XLVII.
--And how does your mistress? cried my father, taking the same step over again from the landing, and calling to Susannah, whom he saw passing by the foot of the stairs with a huge pin-cushion in her hand--how does your mistress? As well, said Susannah, tripping by, but without looking up, as can be expected.--What a fool am I! said my father, drawing his leg back again--let things be as they will, brother Toby, 'tis ever the precise answer--And how is the child, pray?--No answer. And where is Dr. Slop? added my father, raising his voice aloud, looking over the ballusters-- Susannah was out of hearing.
Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, crossing the landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst he propounded it to my uncle Toby--of all the puzzling riddles, said he, in a marriage state,--of which you may trust me, brother Toby, there are more asses loads than all Job's stock of asses could have carried--there is not one that has more intricacies in it than this--that from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in it, from my lady's gentlewoman down to the cinder-wench, becomes an inch taller for it; and give themselves more airs upon that single inch, than all their other inches put together.
I think rather, replied my uncle Toby, that 'tis we who sink an inch lower.--If I meet but a woman with child--I do it.--'Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother Shandy, said my uncle Toby--'Tis a piteous burden upon 'em, continued he, shaking his head--Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing--said my father, shaking his head too--but certainly since shaking of heads came into fashion, never did two heads shake together, in concert, from two such different springs.
God bless / Deuce take 'em all--said my uncle Toby and my father, each to himself.
Chapter 2.XVLIII.
Holla!--you, chairman!--here's sixpence--do step into that bookseller's shop, and call me a day-tall critick. I am very willing to give any one of
'em a crown to help me with his tackling, to get my father and my uncle Toby off the stairs, and to put them to bed.
--'Tis even high time; for except a short nap, which they both got whilst Trim was boring the jack-boots--and which, by-the-bye, did my father no sort of good, upon the score of the bad hinge--they have not else shut their eyes, since nine hours before the time that doctor Slop was led into the back parlour in that dirty pickle by Obadiah.
Was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this--and to take up-- Truce.
I will not finish that sentence till I have made an observation upon the strange state of affairs between the reader and myself, just as things stand at present--an observation never applicable before to any one biographical writer since the creation of the world, but to myself--and I believe, will never hold good to any other, until its final destruction-- and therefore, for the very novelty of it alone, it must be worth your worships attending to.
I am this month one whole year older than I was this time twelve-month; and having got, as you perceive, almost into the middle of my third volume (According to the preceding Editions.)--and no farther than to my first day's life--'tis demonstrative that I have three hundred and sixty-four days more life to write just now, than when I first set out; so that instead of advancing, as a common writer, in my work with what I have been doing at it--on the contrary, I am just thrown so many volumes back--was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this--And why not?--and the transactions and opinions of it to take up as much description--And for what reason should they be cut short?