The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy [121]
knock his brains out against some of their posts--he's bounced out!--look--he's now riding like a mad-cap full tilt through a whole crowd of painters, fiddlers, poets, biographers, physicians, lawyers, logicians, players, school-men, churchmen, statesmen, soldiers, casuists, connoisseurs, prelates, popes, and engineers.--Don't fear, said I--I'll not hurt the poorest jack-ass upon the king's highway.--But your horse throws dirt; see you've splash'd a bishop--I hope in God, 'twas only Ernulphus, said I.--But you have squirted full in the faces of Mess. Le Moyne, De Romigny, and De Marcilly, doctors of the Sorbonne.--That was last year, replied I.--But you have trod this moment upon a king.--Kings have bad times on't, said I, to be trod upon by such people as me.
You have done it, replied my accuser.
I deny it, quoth I, and so have got off, and here am I standing with my bridle in one hand, and with my cap in the other, to tell my story.--And what in it? You shall hear in the next chapter.
Chapter 2.LVI.
As Francis the first of France was one winterly night warming himself over the embers of a wood fire, and talking with his first minister of sundry things for the good of the state (Vide Menagiana, Vol. I.)--It would not be amiss, said the king, stirring up the embers with his cane, if this good understanding betwixt ourselves and Switzerland was a little strengthened.- -There is no end, Sire, replied the minister, in giving money to these people--they would swallow up the treasury of France.--Poo! poo! answered the king--there are more ways, Mons. le Premier, of bribing states, besides that of giving money--I'll pay Switzerland the honour of standing godfather for my next child.--Your majesty, said the minister, in so doing, would have all the grammarians in Europe upon your back;--Switzerland, as a republic, being a female, can in no construction be godfather.--She may be godmother, replied Francis hastily--so announce my intentions by a courier to-morrow morning.
I am astonished, said Francis the First, (that day fortnight) speaking to his minister as he entered the closet, that we have had no answer from Switzerland.--Sire, I wait upon you this moment, said Mons. le Premier, to lay before you my dispatches upon that business.--They take it kindly, said the king.--They do, Sire, replied the minister, and have the highest sense of the honour your majesty has done them--but the republick, as godmother, claims her right, in this case, of naming the child.
In all reason, quoth the king--she will christen him Francis, or Henry, or Lewis, or some name that she knows will be agreeable to us. Your majesty is deceived, replied the minister--I have this hour received a dispatch from our resident, with the determination of the republic on that point also.--And what name has the republick fixed upon for the Dauphin?-- Shadrach, Mesech, Abed-nego, replied the minister.--By Saint Peter's girdle, I will have nothing to do with the Swiss, cried Francis the First, pulling up his breeches and walking hastily across the floor.
Your majesty, replied the minister calmly, cannot bring yourself off.
We'll pay them in money--said the king.
Sire, there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury, answered the minister.--I'll pawn the best jewel in my crown, quoth Francis the First.
Your honour stands pawn'd already in this matter, answered Monsieur le Premier.
Then, Mons. le Premier, said the king, by. . .we'll go to war with 'em.
Chapter 2.LVII.
Albeit, gentle reader, I have lusted earnestly, and endeavoured carefully (according to the measure of such a slender skill as God has vouchsafed me, and as convenient leisure from other occasions of needful profit and healthful pastime have permitted) that these little books which I here put into thy hands, might stand instead of many bigger books--yet have I carried myself towards thee in such fanciful guise of careless disport, that right sore am I ashamed now to intreat thy lenity seriously--in beseeching thee to believe it of me, that in the story of my
You have done it, replied my accuser.
I deny it, quoth I, and so have got off, and here am I standing with my bridle in one hand, and with my cap in the other, to tell my story.--And what in it? You shall hear in the next chapter.
Chapter 2.LVI.
As Francis the first of France was one winterly night warming himself over the embers of a wood fire, and talking with his first minister of sundry things for the good of the state (Vide Menagiana, Vol. I.)--It would not be amiss, said the king, stirring up the embers with his cane, if this good understanding betwixt ourselves and Switzerland was a little strengthened.- -There is no end, Sire, replied the minister, in giving money to these people--they would swallow up the treasury of France.--Poo! poo! answered the king--there are more ways, Mons. le Premier, of bribing states, besides that of giving money--I'll pay Switzerland the honour of standing godfather for my next child.--Your majesty, said the minister, in so doing, would have all the grammarians in Europe upon your back;--Switzerland, as a republic, being a female, can in no construction be godfather.--She may be godmother, replied Francis hastily--so announce my intentions by a courier to-morrow morning.
I am astonished, said Francis the First, (that day fortnight) speaking to his minister as he entered the closet, that we have had no answer from Switzerland.--Sire, I wait upon you this moment, said Mons. le Premier, to lay before you my dispatches upon that business.--They take it kindly, said the king.--They do, Sire, replied the minister, and have the highest sense of the honour your majesty has done them--but the republick, as godmother, claims her right, in this case, of naming the child.
In all reason, quoth the king--she will christen him Francis, or Henry, or Lewis, or some name that she knows will be agreeable to us. Your majesty is deceived, replied the minister--I have this hour received a dispatch from our resident, with the determination of the republic on that point also.--And what name has the republick fixed upon for the Dauphin?-- Shadrach, Mesech, Abed-nego, replied the minister.--By Saint Peter's girdle, I will have nothing to do with the Swiss, cried Francis the First, pulling up his breeches and walking hastily across the floor.
Your majesty, replied the minister calmly, cannot bring yourself off.
We'll pay them in money--said the king.
Sire, there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury, answered the minister.--I'll pawn the best jewel in my crown, quoth Francis the First.
Your honour stands pawn'd already in this matter, answered Monsieur le Premier.
Then, Mons. le Premier, said the king, by. . .we'll go to war with 'em.
Chapter 2.LVII.
Albeit, gentle reader, I have lusted earnestly, and endeavoured carefully (according to the measure of such a slender skill as God has vouchsafed me, and as convenient leisure from other occasions of needful profit and healthful pastime have permitted) that these little books which I here put into thy hands, might stand instead of many bigger books--yet have I carried myself towards thee in such fanciful guise of careless disport, that right sore am I ashamed now to intreat thy lenity seriously--in beseeching thee to believe it of me, that in the story of my