The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy [180]
the corporal again, and raised it half way to his mouth--then hastily gave it back a second time.
The corporal redoubled the attack,--my uncle Toby smiled,--then looked grave,--then smiled for a moment,--then looked serious for a long time;-- Give me hold of the ivory pipe, Trim, said my uncle Toby--my uncle Toby put it to his lips,--drew it back directly,--gave a peep over the horn-beam hedge;--never did my uncle Toby's mouth water so much for a pipe in his life.--My uncle Toby retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand.--
--Dear uncle Toby! don't go into the sentry-box with the pipe,--there's no trusting a man's self with such a thing in such a corner.
Chapter 3.LXXII.
I beg the reader will assist me here, to wheel off my uncle Toby's ordnance behind the scenes,--to remove his sentry-box, and clear the theatre, if possible, of horn-works and half moons, and get the rest of his military apparatus out of the way;--that done, my dear friend Garrick, we'll snuff the candles bright,--sweep the stage with a new broom,--draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a new character, throughout which the world can have no idea how he will act: and yet, if pity be a- kin to love,--and bravery no alien to it, you have seen enough of my uncle Toby in these, to trace these family likenesses, betwixt the two passions (in case there is one) to your heart's content.
Vain science! thou assistest us in no case of this kind--and thou puzzlest us in every one.
There was, Madam, in my uncle Toby, a singleness of heart which misled him so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which things of this nature usually go on; you can--you can have no conception of it: with this, there was a plainness and simplicity of thinking, with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the plies and foldings of the heart of woman;--and so naked and defenceless did he stand before you, (when a siege was out of his head,) that you might have stood behind any one of your serpentine walks, and shot my uncle Toby ten times in a day, through his liver, if nine times in a day, Madam, had not served your purpose.
With all this, Madam,--and what confounded every thing as much on the other hand, my uncle Toby had that unparalleled modesty of nature I once told you of, and which, by the bye, stood eternal sentry upon his feelings, that you might as soon--But where am I going? these reflections crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon, and take up that time, which I ought to bestow upon facts.
Chapter 3.LXXIII.
Of the few legitimate sons of Adam whose breasts never felt what the sting of love was,--(maintaining first, all mysogynists to be bastards,)--the greatest heroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst them nine parts in ten of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I had the key of my study, out of my draw-well, only for five minutes, to tell you their names--recollect them I cannot--so be content to accept of these, for the present, in their stead.
There was the great king Aldrovandus, and Bosphorus, and Cappadocius, and Dardanus, and Pontus, and Asius,--to say nothing of the iron-hearted Charles the XIIth, whom the Countess of K..... herself could make nothing of.--There was Babylonicus, and Mediterraneus, and Polixenes, and Persicus, and Prusicus, not one of whom (except Cappadocius and Pontus, who were both a little suspected) ever once bowed down his breast to the goddess--The truth is, they had all of them something else to do--and so had my uncle Toby--till Fate--till Fate I say, envying his name the glory of being handed down to posterity with Aldrovandus's and the rest,--she basely patched up the peace of Utrecht.
--Believe me, Sirs, 'twas the worst deed she did that year.
Chapter 3.LXXIV.
Amongst the many ill consequences of the treaty of Utrecht, it was within a point of giving my uncle Toby a surfeit of sieges; and though he recovered his appetite afterwards, yet Calais itself left not a deeper scar in Mary's heart, than Utrecht upon my uncle Toby's. To the end of his
The corporal redoubled the attack,--my uncle Toby smiled,--then looked grave,--then smiled for a moment,--then looked serious for a long time;-- Give me hold of the ivory pipe, Trim, said my uncle Toby--my uncle Toby put it to his lips,--drew it back directly,--gave a peep over the horn-beam hedge;--never did my uncle Toby's mouth water so much for a pipe in his life.--My uncle Toby retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand.--
--Dear uncle Toby! don't go into the sentry-box with the pipe,--there's no trusting a man's self with such a thing in such a corner.
Chapter 3.LXXII.
I beg the reader will assist me here, to wheel off my uncle Toby's ordnance behind the scenes,--to remove his sentry-box, and clear the theatre, if possible, of horn-works and half moons, and get the rest of his military apparatus out of the way;--that done, my dear friend Garrick, we'll snuff the candles bright,--sweep the stage with a new broom,--draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a new character, throughout which the world can have no idea how he will act: and yet, if pity be a- kin to love,--and bravery no alien to it, you have seen enough of my uncle Toby in these, to trace these family likenesses, betwixt the two passions (in case there is one) to your heart's content.
Vain science! thou assistest us in no case of this kind--and thou puzzlest us in every one.
There was, Madam, in my uncle Toby, a singleness of heart which misled him so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which things of this nature usually go on; you can--you can have no conception of it: with this, there was a plainness and simplicity of thinking, with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the plies and foldings of the heart of woman;--and so naked and defenceless did he stand before you, (when a siege was out of his head,) that you might have stood behind any one of your serpentine walks, and shot my uncle Toby ten times in a day, through his liver, if nine times in a day, Madam, had not served your purpose.
With all this, Madam,--and what confounded every thing as much on the other hand, my uncle Toby had that unparalleled modesty of nature I once told you of, and which, by the bye, stood eternal sentry upon his feelings, that you might as soon--But where am I going? these reflections crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon, and take up that time, which I ought to bestow upon facts.
Chapter 3.LXXIII.
Of the few legitimate sons of Adam whose breasts never felt what the sting of love was,--(maintaining first, all mysogynists to be bastards,)--the greatest heroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst them nine parts in ten of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I had the key of my study, out of my draw-well, only for five minutes, to tell you their names--recollect them I cannot--so be content to accept of these, for the present, in their stead.
There was the great king Aldrovandus, and Bosphorus, and Cappadocius, and Dardanus, and Pontus, and Asius,--to say nothing of the iron-hearted Charles the XIIth, whom the Countess of K..... herself could make nothing of.--There was Babylonicus, and Mediterraneus, and Polixenes, and Persicus, and Prusicus, not one of whom (except Cappadocius and Pontus, who were both a little suspected) ever once bowed down his breast to the goddess--The truth is, they had all of them something else to do--and so had my uncle Toby--till Fate--till Fate I say, envying his name the glory of being handed down to posterity with Aldrovandus's and the rest,--she basely patched up the peace of Utrecht.
--Believe me, Sirs, 'twas the worst deed she did that year.
Chapter 3.LXXIV.
Amongst the many ill consequences of the treaty of Utrecht, it was within a point of giving my uncle Toby a surfeit of sieges; and though he recovered his appetite afterwards, yet Calais itself left not a deeper scar in Mary's heart, than Utrecht upon my uncle Toby's. To the end of his