The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy [52]
'I own, in one case, whenever a man's conscience does accuse him (as it seldom errs on that side) that he is guilty;--and unless in melancholy and hypocondriac cases, we may safely pronounce upon it, that there is always sufficient grounds for the accusation.
'But the converse of the proposition will not hold true;--namely, that whenever there is guilt, the conscience must accuse; and if it does not, that a man is therefore innocent.--This is not fact--So that the common consolation which some good christian or other is hourly administering to himself,--that he thanks God his mind does not misgive him; and that, consequently, he has a good conscience, because he hath a quiet one,--is fallacious;--and as current as the inference is, and as infallible as the rule appears at first sight, yet when you look nearer to it, and try the truth of this rule upon plain facts,--you see it liable to so much error from a false application;--the principle upon which it goes so often perverted;--the whole force of it lost, and sometimes so vilely cast away, that it is painful to produce the common examples from human life, which confirm the account.
'A man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his principles;-- exceptionable in his conduct to the world; shall live shameless, in the open commission of a sin which no reason or pretence can justify,--a sin by which, contrary to all the workings of humanity, he shall ruin for ever the deluded partner of his guilt;--rob her of her best dowry; and not only cover her own head with dishonour;--but involve a whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow for her sake. Surely, you will think conscience must lead such a man a troublesome life; he can have no rest night and day from its reproaches.
'Alas! Conscience had something else to do all this time, than break in upon him; as Elijah reproached the god Baal,--this domestic god was either talking, or pursuing, or was in a journey, or peradventure he slept and could not be awoke.
'Perhaps He was gone out in company with Honour to fight a duel: to pay off some debt at play;--or dirty annuity, the bargain of his lust; Perhaps Conscience all this time was engaged at home, talking aloud against petty larceny, and executing vengeance upon some such puny crimes as his fortune and rank of life secured him against all temptation of committing; so that he lives as merrily;'--(If he was of our church, tho', quoth Dr. Slop, he could not)--'sleeps as soundly in his bed;--and at last meets death unconcernedly;--perhaps much more so, than a much better man.'
(All this is impossible with us, quoth Dr. Slop, turning to my father,--the case could not happen in our church.--It happens in ours, however, replied my father, but too often.--I own, quoth Dr. Slop, (struck a little with my father's frank acknowledgment)--that a man in the Romish church may live as badly;--but then he cannot easily die so.--'Tis little matter, replied my father, with an air of indifference,--how a rascal dies.--I mean, answered Dr. Slop, he would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments.--Pray how many have you in all, said my uncle Toby,--for I always forget?--Seven, answered Dr. Slop.--Humph!--said my uncle Toby; tho' not accented as a note of acquiescence,--but as an interjection of that particular species of surprize, when a man in looking into a drawer, finds more of a thing than he expected.--Humph! replied my uncle Toby. Dr. Slop, who had an ear, understood my uncle Toby as well as if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven sacraments.--Humph! replied Dr. Slop, (stating my uncle Toby's argument over again to him)--Why, Sir, are there not seven cardinal virtues?--Seven mortal sins?--Seven golden candlesticks?--Seven heavens?-- 'Tis more than I know, replied my uncle Toby.--Are there not seven wonders of the world?--Seven days of the creation?--Seven planets?--Seven plagues?- -That there are, quoth my father with a most affected gravity. But prithee, continued he, go on with the rest of thy characters, Trim.)
'Another is sordid, unmerciful,' (here Trim