The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy [86]
monstrous stones so many hundred feet, and shook the strongest bulwarks from their very foundation:- -he would go on and describe the wonderful mechanism of the Ballista which Marcellinus makes so much rout about!--the terrible effects of the Pyraboli, which cast fire;--the danger of the Terebra and Scorpio, which cast javelins.--But what are these, would he say, to the destructive machinery of corporal Trim?--Believe me, brother Toby, no bridge, or bastion, or sally-port, that ever was constructed in this world, can hold out against such artillery.
My uncle Toby would never attempt any defence against the force of this ridicule, but that of redoubling the vehemence of smoaking his pipe; in doing which, he raised so dense a vapour one night after supper, that it set my father, who was a little phthisical, into a suffocating fit of violent coughing: my uncle Toby leap'd up without feeling the pain upon his groin--and, with infinite pity, stood beside his brother's chair, tapping his back with one hand, and holding his head with the other, and from time to time wiping his eyes with a clean cambrick handkerchief, which he pulled out of his pocket.--The affectionate and endearing manner in which my uncle Toby did these little offices--cut my father thro' his reins, for the pain he had just been giving him.--May my brains be knock'd out with a battering-ram or a catapulta, I care not which, quoth my father to himself--if ever I insult this worthy soul more!
Chapter 2.XVIII.
The draw-bridge being held irreparable, Trim was ordered directly to set about another--but not upon the same model: for cardinal Alberoni's intrigues at that time being discovered, and my uncle Toby rightly foreseeing that a flame would inevitably break out betwixt Spain and the Empire, and that the operations of the ensuing campaign must in all likelihood be either in Naples or Sicily--he determined upon an Italian bridge--(my uncle Toby, by-the-bye, was not far out of his conjectures)-- but my father, who was infinitely the better politician, and took the lead as far of my uncle Toby in the cabinet, as my uncle Toby took it of him in the field--convinced him, that if the king of Spain and the Emperor went together by the ears, England and France and Holland must, by force of their pre-engagements, all enter the lists too;--and if so, he would say, the combatants, brother Toby, as sure as we are alive, will fall to it again, pell-mell, upon the old prize-fighting stage of Flanders;--then what will you do with your Italian bridge?
--We will go on with it then upon the old model, cried my uncle Toby.
When corporal Trim had about half finished it in that style--my uncle Toby found out a capital defect in it, which he had never thoroughly considered before. It turned, it seems, upon hinges at both ends of it, opening in the middle, one half of which turning to one side of the fosse, and the other to the other; the advantage of which was this, that by dividing the weight of the bridge into two equal portions, it impowered my uncle Toby to raise it up or let it down with the end of his crutch, and with one hand, which, as his garrison was weak, was as much as he could well spare--but the disadvantages of such a construction were insurmountable;--for by this means, he would say, I leave one half of my bridge in my enemy's possession--and pray of what use is the other?
The natural remedy for this was, no doubt, to have his bridge fast only at one end with hinges, so that the whole might be lifted up together, and stand bolt upright--but that was rejected for the reason given above.
For a whole week after he was determined in his mind to have one of that particular construction which is made to draw back horizontally, to hinder a passage; and to thrust forwards again to gain a passage--of which sorts your worship might have seen three famous ones at Spires before its destruction--and one now at Brisac, if I mistake not;--but my father advising my uncle Toby, with great earnestness, to have nothing more to do with thrusting bridges--and my
My uncle Toby would never attempt any defence against the force of this ridicule, but that of redoubling the vehemence of smoaking his pipe; in doing which, he raised so dense a vapour one night after supper, that it set my father, who was a little phthisical, into a suffocating fit of violent coughing: my uncle Toby leap'd up without feeling the pain upon his groin--and, with infinite pity, stood beside his brother's chair, tapping his back with one hand, and holding his head with the other, and from time to time wiping his eyes with a clean cambrick handkerchief, which he pulled out of his pocket.--The affectionate and endearing manner in which my uncle Toby did these little offices--cut my father thro' his reins, for the pain he had just been giving him.--May my brains be knock'd out with a battering-ram or a catapulta, I care not which, quoth my father to himself--if ever I insult this worthy soul more!
Chapter 2.XVIII.
The draw-bridge being held irreparable, Trim was ordered directly to set about another--but not upon the same model: for cardinal Alberoni's intrigues at that time being discovered, and my uncle Toby rightly foreseeing that a flame would inevitably break out betwixt Spain and the Empire, and that the operations of the ensuing campaign must in all likelihood be either in Naples or Sicily--he determined upon an Italian bridge--(my uncle Toby, by-the-bye, was not far out of his conjectures)-- but my father, who was infinitely the better politician, and took the lead as far of my uncle Toby in the cabinet, as my uncle Toby took it of him in the field--convinced him, that if the king of Spain and the Emperor went together by the ears, England and France and Holland must, by force of their pre-engagements, all enter the lists too;--and if so, he would say, the combatants, brother Toby, as sure as we are alive, will fall to it again, pell-mell, upon the old prize-fighting stage of Flanders;--then what will you do with your Italian bridge?
--We will go on with it then upon the old model, cried my uncle Toby.
When corporal Trim had about half finished it in that style--my uncle Toby found out a capital defect in it, which he had never thoroughly considered before. It turned, it seems, upon hinges at both ends of it, opening in the middle, one half of which turning to one side of the fosse, and the other to the other; the advantage of which was this, that by dividing the weight of the bridge into two equal portions, it impowered my uncle Toby to raise it up or let it down with the end of his crutch, and with one hand, which, as his garrison was weak, was as much as he could well spare--but the disadvantages of such a construction were insurmountable;--for by this means, he would say, I leave one half of my bridge in my enemy's possession--and pray of what use is the other?
The natural remedy for this was, no doubt, to have his bridge fast only at one end with hinges, so that the whole might be lifted up together, and stand bolt upright--but that was rejected for the reason given above.
For a whole week after he was determined in his mind to have one of that particular construction which is made to draw back horizontally, to hinder a passage; and to thrust forwards again to gain a passage--of which sorts your worship might have seen three famous ones at Spires before its destruction--and one now at Brisac, if I mistake not;--but my father advising my uncle Toby, with great earnestness, to have nothing more to do with thrusting bridges--and my