The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - Laurence Sterne [225]
I begun thus——
END of the SEVENTH VOLUME.
THE
LIFE
AND
OPINIONS
OF
TRISTRAM SHANDY,
GENTLEMAN.
Non enim excursus hic ejus, sed opus ipsum est.
PLIN. Lib. quintus Epistola sexta.
VOL. VIII
LONDON:
Printed for T. BECKET and P. A. DEHONT,
in the Strand. MDCCLXV
THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT.
CHAP. I
——But softly——for in these sportive plains, and under this genial sun, where at this instant all flesh is running out piping, fiddling, and dancing to the vintage, and every step that’s taken, the judgment is surprised by the imagination, I defy, notwithstanding all that has been said upon straight lines* in sundry pages of my book—I defy the best cabbage planter1 that ever existed, whether he plants backwards or forwards, it makes little difference in the account (except that he will have more to answer for in the one case than in the other)—I defy him to go on cooly, critically, and canonically, planting his cabbages one by one, in straight lines, and stoical distances, especially if slits in petticoats are unsew’d up—without ever and anon straddling out, or sidling into some bastardly digression——In Freeze-land, Fog-land2 and some other lands I wot of—it may be done——
But in this clear climate of fantasy and perspiration, where every idea, sensible and insensible, gets vent—in this land, my dear Eugenius—in this fertile land of chivalry and romance, where I now sit, unskrewing my ink-horn to write my uncle Toby’s amours, and with all the meanders of JULIA’S track in quest of her DIEGO, in full view of my study window—if thou comest not and takest me by the hand——
What a work is it likely to turn out!
Let us begin it.
*Vid. Vol. VI. p. 377.
CHAP. II
It is with LOVE as with CUCKOLDOM——
——But now I am talking of beginning a book, and have long had a thing upon my mind to be imparted to the reader, which if not imparted now, can never be imparted to him as long as I live (whereas the COMPARISON may be imparted to him any hour in the day)——I’ll just mention it, and begin in good earnest.
The thing is this.
That of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in practice throughout the known world, I am confident my own way of doing it is the best——I’m sure it is the most religious——for I begin with writing the first sentence——and trusting to Almighty God for the second.1
’Twould cure an author for ever of the fuss and folly of opening his street-door, and calling in his neighbours and friends, and kinsfolk, with the devil and all his imps, with their hammers and engines, &c. only to observe how one sentence of mine follows another, and how the plan follows the whole.
I wish you saw me half starting out of my chair, with what confidence, as I grasp the elbow of it, I look up——catching the idea, even sometimes before it half way reaches me——
I believe in my conscience I intercept many a thought which heaven intended for another man.
Pope and his Portrait* 2 are fools to me——no martyr is ever so full of faith or fire——I wish I could say of good works too——but I have no
Zeal or Anger——or
Anger or Zeal——
And till gods and men agree together to call it by the same name——the errantest TARTUFFE,3 in science—in politics—or in religion, shall never kindle a spark within me, or have a worse word, or a more unkind greeting, than what he will read in the next chapter.
*Vid. Pope’s Portrait.
CHAP. III
——Bon jour!——good-morrow!——so you have got your cloak on betimes!——but ’tis a cold morning, and you judge the matter rightly——’tis better to be well mounted, than go o’foot——and obstructions in the glands are dangerous——And how goes it with thy concubine—thy wife—and thy little ones o’both sides? and when did you hear from the old gentleman and lady—your sister, aunt, uncle and cousins——I hope they have got better of their colds, coughs, claps, tooth-aches, fevers, stranguries, sciaticas, swellings, and