The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - Laurence Sterne [84]
Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him, but his thumb——my father had pass’d it by——his prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge.
Small curses, Dr. Slop, upon great occasions, quoth my father, (condoling with him first upon the accident) are but so much waste of our strength and soul’s health to no manner of purpose.—I own it, replied Dr. Slop.——They are like sparrow shot, quoth my uncle Toby, (suspending his whistling) fired against a bastion.——They serve, continued my father, to stir the humours—but carry off none of their acrimony:—for my own part, I seldom swear or curse at all——I hold it bad—but if I fall into it, by surprize, I generally retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it answer my purpose—that is, I swear on, till I find myself easy. A wise and a just man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within himself—but to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.——“Injuries come only from the heart,”5——quoth my uncle Toby. For this reason, continued my father, with the most Cervantick gravity,6 I have the greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocations which could possibly happen to him,—which forms being well consider’d by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the chimney piece, within his reach, ready for use.——I never apprehended, replied Dr. Slop, that such a thing was ever thought of,——much less executed. I beg your pardon—answered my father; I was reading, though not using, one of them to my brother Toby this morning, whilst he pour’d out the tea—’tis here upon the shelf over my head;——but if I remember right, ’tis too violent for a cut of the thumb.——Not at all, quoth Dr. Slop—the devil take the fellow.—Then answered my father, ’Tis much at your service, Dr. Slop——on condition you will read it aloud;——so rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication of the church of Rome, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of Rochester, writ by ERNULPHUS the bishop7—with a most affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled ERNULPHUS himself,—he put it into Dr. Slop’s hands.—Dr. Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any suspicion, read aloud, as follows,—my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, as loud as he could, all the time.
Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi, per
Ernulfum Episcopum.8
CAP. XXV
EXCOMMUNICATIO
Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctæque et intemeratæ Virginis Dei genetricis Mariæ,
——Atque omnium cœlestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum, & omnium apostolorum et evangelistarum, & sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et sanctorum martyrum, et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei,—Excommunicamus, et anathematizamus , vel N. N. et a liminibus sanctæ Dei ecclesiæ sequestramus ut aternis suppliciis excruciandus,
As the genuineness of the consultation of the Sorbonne upon the question of baptism, was doubted by some, and denied by others,——’twas thought proper to print the original of this excommunication; for the copy of which Mr. Shandy returns thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter of Rochester.
CHAP. XI
“By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness