The Life of John Bunyan [16]
me, 'The blood of Christ cleanseth from all
sin,'" and gave me "good encouragement." But in two or three hours
all was gone. The terrible words concerning Esau's selling his
birthright took possession of his mind, and "held him down." This
"stuck with him." Though he "sought it carefully with tears,"
there was no restoration for him. His agony received a terrible
aggravation from a highly coloured narrative of the terrible death
of Francis Spira, an Italian lawyer of the middle of the sixteenth
century, who, having embraced the Protestant religion, was induced
by worldly motives to return to the Roman Catholic Church, and died
full of remorse and despair, from which Bunyan afterwards drew the
awful picture of "the man in the Iron Cage" at "the Interpreter's
house." The reading of this book was to his "troubled spirit" as
"salt when rubbed into a fresh wound," "as knives and daggers in
his soul." We cannot wonder that his health began to give way
under so protracted a struggle. His naturally sturdy frame was
"shaken by a continual trembling." He would "wind and twine and
shrink under his burden," the weight of which so crushed him that
he "could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet."
His digestion became disordered, and a pain, "as if his breastbone
would have split asunder," made him fear that as he had been guilty
of Judas' sin, so he was to perish by Judas' end, and "burst
asunder in the midst." In the trembling of his limbs he saw Cain's
mark set upon him; God had marked him out for his curse. No one
was ever so bad as he. No one had ever sinned so flagrantly. When
he compared his sins with those of David and Solomon and Manasseh
and others which had been pardoned, he found his sin so much
exceeded theirs that he could have no hope of pardon. Theirs, "it
was true, were great sins; sins of a bloody colour. But none of
them were of the nature of his. He had sold his Saviour. His sin
was point blank against Christ." "Oh, methought this sin was
bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole
world; not all of them together was able to equal mine; mine
outwent them every one."
It would be wearisome to follow Bunyan through all the mazes of his
self-torturing illusions. Fierce as the storm was, and long in its
duration - for it was more than two years before the storm became a
calm - the waves, though he knew it not, in their fierce tossings
which threatened to drive his soul like a broken vessel headlong on
the rocks of despair, were bearing him nearer and nearer to the
"haven where he would be." His vivid imagination, as we have seen,
surrounded him with audible voices. He had heard, as he thought,
the tempter bidding him "Sell Christ;" now he thought he heard God
"with a great voice, as it were, over his shoulder behind him,"
saying, "Return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee;" and though he
felt that the voice mocked him, for he could not return, there was
"no place of repentance" for him, and fled from it, it still
pursued him, "holloaing after him, 'Return, return!'" And return
he did, but not all at once, or without many a fresh struggle.
With his usual graphic power he describes the zigzag path by which
he made his way. His hot and cold fits alternated with fearful
suddenness. "As Esau beat him down, Christ raised him up." "His
life hung in doubt, not knowing which way he should tip." More
sensible evidence came. "One day," he tells us, "as I walked to
and fro in a good man's shop" - we can hardly be wrong in placing
it in Bedford - "bemoaning myself for this hard hap of mine, for
that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should
not be pardoned, and ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was as
if there had rushed in at the window the noise of wind upon me, but
very pleasant, and I heard a voice speaking, 'Did'st ever refuse to
be justified by the Blood of
sin,'" and gave me "good encouragement." But in two or three hours
all was gone. The terrible words concerning Esau's selling his
birthright took possession of his mind, and "held him down." This
"stuck with him." Though he "sought it carefully with tears,"
there was no restoration for him. His agony received a terrible
aggravation from a highly coloured narrative of the terrible death
of Francis Spira, an Italian lawyer of the middle of the sixteenth
century, who, having embraced the Protestant religion, was induced
by worldly motives to return to the Roman Catholic Church, and died
full of remorse and despair, from which Bunyan afterwards drew the
awful picture of "the man in the Iron Cage" at "the Interpreter's
house." The reading of this book was to his "troubled spirit" as
"salt when rubbed into a fresh wound," "as knives and daggers in
his soul." We cannot wonder that his health began to give way
under so protracted a struggle. His naturally sturdy frame was
"shaken by a continual trembling." He would "wind and twine and
shrink under his burden," the weight of which so crushed him that
he "could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet."
His digestion became disordered, and a pain, "as if his breastbone
would have split asunder," made him fear that as he had been guilty
of Judas' sin, so he was to perish by Judas' end, and "burst
asunder in the midst." In the trembling of his limbs he saw Cain's
mark set upon him; God had marked him out for his curse. No one
was ever so bad as he. No one had ever sinned so flagrantly. When
he compared his sins with those of David and Solomon and Manasseh
and others which had been pardoned, he found his sin so much
exceeded theirs that he could have no hope of pardon. Theirs, "it
was true, were great sins; sins of a bloody colour. But none of
them were of the nature of his. He had sold his Saviour. His sin
was point blank against Christ." "Oh, methought this sin was
bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole
world; not all of them together was able to equal mine; mine
outwent them every one."
It would be wearisome to follow Bunyan through all the mazes of his
self-torturing illusions. Fierce as the storm was, and long in its
duration - for it was more than two years before the storm became a
calm - the waves, though he knew it not, in their fierce tossings
which threatened to drive his soul like a broken vessel headlong on
the rocks of despair, were bearing him nearer and nearer to the
"haven where he would be." His vivid imagination, as we have seen,
surrounded him with audible voices. He had heard, as he thought,
the tempter bidding him "Sell Christ;" now he thought he heard God
"with a great voice, as it were, over his shoulder behind him,"
saying, "Return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee;" and though he
felt that the voice mocked him, for he could not return, there was
"no place of repentance" for him, and fled from it, it still
pursued him, "holloaing after him, 'Return, return!'" And return
he did, but not all at once, or without many a fresh struggle.
With his usual graphic power he describes the zigzag path by which
he made his way. His hot and cold fits alternated with fearful
suddenness. "As Esau beat him down, Christ raised him up." "His
life hung in doubt, not knowing which way he should tip." More
sensible evidence came. "One day," he tells us, "as I walked to
and fro in a good man's shop" - we can hardly be wrong in placing
it in Bedford - "bemoaning myself for this hard hap of mine, for
that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should
not be pardoned, and ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was as
if there had rushed in at the window the noise of wind upon me, but
very pleasant, and I heard a voice speaking, 'Did'st ever refuse to
be justified by the Blood of