The Little Prisoner_ A Memoir - Jane Elliott [41]
I knew that Nick was as besotted with me as I was with him. As well as the stuff from his mum, he had given me some gold necklaces, one of which had a locket containing a picture of us together which I treasured more than anything. Richard told me to give them all back.
‘Give him a hard time,’ he told me as I went out the door. ‘Make him suffer for the way he’s treated you.’
I couldn’t do that, but I couldn’t make it easy for him either, because it would all have to be done quickly so I could get back home before Richard followed me to see why I was taking so long.
I dragged my feet round to Nick’s house, feeling that my whole world was about to end. I knew there was nothing I could say which would explain why I was calling a halt to a relationship that had been going so well.
Nick could see something was wrong the moment I came in, but he had no idea I was about to dump him. I wanted to scream and cry and tell him how much I loved him, but instead I had to tell him it was over. I had to keep myself from crying as well, otherwise my eyes would be puffy when I got back home and I would be punished for being miserable. Nick must have thought I was a right hard cow to be able to drop him and not shed a single tear. But if I had told him that Richard had ordered it he would have wanted to go round and sort it out, which would inevitably have led to violence. There was no way Nick would have been able to make Richard change his mind; he was just a teenager.
When I’d explained that it was over and returned the presents I walked back home, knowing that I’d just been made to destroy my chance of experiencing love and happiness. I couldn’t even cry when I got back home because I would have received a beating if Richard had caught me. I just had to sit with him, my mind a miserable blur, agreeing with all his stupid reasons for why it had been the right thing to do. The hope of escape that I had been nurturing had been snuffed out and I was back where I started.
When I turned sixteen and was working full time in the shoe shop I hoped once more that things would change and I would be given a bit more freedom. I was occasionally allowed to do the odd thing like going out with friends in the evening, but compared to everyone else of my age, I was still virtually a prisoner.
One night I was allowed to go to a twelve-hour MTV party being held at the local youth club to raise money. There I met a boy called Joe who seemed to be very chilled out, probably because of all the joints he was smoking. He was a bit wayward and not the most ideal boyfriend material, but I liked him because he wasn’t loud and mouthy and he didn’t seem to be just after sex like the other boys who were asking me out at that stage. They were the sort of blokes who think it’s funny to shout, ‘Get yer tits out!’ at girls as they pass in the street, and I had enough of that sort of thing at home. I was terrified of the thought of having to have sex with anyone after everything I’d experienced, and it was nice to be with someone who didn’t put any pressure on me, just as it had been with Nick.
It was three months before Joe and I slept together and when we did it was a nice experience – well, as nice as the first time can be for any girl. By that time I was besotted with him and his gentle ways. I think I would have clung to anyone who was kind to me at that stage.
Despite Joe’s unsuitability as a boyfriend, Richard went back into his liberal mode, letting me go out most nights and even allowing me to stay round at Joe’s house when I wanted to. It seemed that the rules had changed again, but I was aware they could change back at any moment.
Once Richard invited Joe to come with him and me to visit my nan at her bungalow. I liked the idea of Joe coming with us because I thought that would mean Richard wouldn’t be able to get to me, although I was nervous about what sort of humiliation he might have planned for us. He told me that Joe and I would have a separate room, but when we got there I discovered we were all going to be sleeping in the sitting