The Magus - John Fowles [119]
42
We were woken by someone knocking on the door, then half opening it. Sunlight slashed through. He withdrew when he saw we were still in the bunks. I looked at my watch. It was ten o'clock. I pulled on my clothes and went out. A shepherd. Somewhere in the distance I could hear the bells of his flock. He struck back with his crook the two enormous dogs that bared their teeth at me and produced from the pockets of his greatcoat a cheese wrapped in sorrel leaves, which he had brought for our breakfast. After a few minutes Alison came out, tucking her shirt into her jeans and screwing up her eyes against the sun. We shared what was left of the rusks and the oranges with the shepherd; used up the last of the film. I was glad he was there. I could see, as clear as printed words in Alison's eyes, that she thought we had crossed back into the old relationship. At the same time she left it to me to make the next move. She had broken the ice; but it was for me to jump into the water. The shepherd stood up, shook hands and strode off with his two savage dogs and left us alone. Alison stretched back in the sun across the great slab of rock we had used as a table. It was a much less windy day, April-warm, a dazzling blue sky. The sheep bells sounded in the distance and some bird like a lark sang high up the slope above us. "I wish we could stay here forever." "I've got to get the car back by tomorrow morning." "Just wishing." She looked at me. "Come and sit here." She patted the rock by her side. Her grey eyes stared up at me, at their most candid. "Do you forgive me?" I bent and kissed her cheek and she put her arms round me so that I lay half across her, and we had a whispered conversation, mouths to each other's left ears. "Say you wanted to." "I wanted to." "Say you love me a little still." "I love you a little still." She pinched my back. "A lot still." "And you'll get better." "Mm." "And never go with those nasty women again." "Never." "It's silly when you can have it for free. With love." "I know." I was staring at the ends of hair against the rock, an inch or two from my eyes, and trying to bring myself to the point of confession. But it seemed like treading on a flower because one can't be bothered to step aside. "You're killing my back." I pushed up, but she held me by the shoulders, so that I had to stare down at her. I sustained her look, its honesty, for a while, then I turned and sat with my back to her. "What's wrong?" "Nothing. I just wondered what malicious god made a nice kid like you see anything in a bastard like me." "That reminds me. A crossword clue. I saw it months ago. Ready?" I nodded. "'All mixed up, but the better part of Nicholas'... six letters." I worked it out, smiled at her. "Did the clue end in a full stop or a question mark?" "It ended in my crying. As usual." I said, "If only life was as simple as an anagram." And the bird above us sang in the silence. We set off down. As we came lower, it grew warmer and warmer. Summer rose to meet us. Alison led the way, and so she could rarely see my face. I tried to sort out my feelings about her. It irritated me still that she put so much reliance on the body