The Magus - John Fowles [124]
you talk of twisting. You can't even tell a simple fact straight." I looked round at her. "Meaning?" "All that mystery balls. You think I fall for that? There's some girl on your island and you want to lay her. That's all. But of course that's nasty, that's crude. So you tart it up. As usual. Tart it up so it makes you seem the innocent one, the great intellectual who must have his experience. Always both ways. Always cake and eat it. Always --" "I swear..." but her impatient jerk away silenced me. She walked up and down the room. I tried another excuse. "Because I don't want to marry you--or anyone--it doesn't mean I don't love you." "That reminds me. That child. You thought I didn't notice. That little girl with the boil. It made you furious. Alison showing how good she is with kids. Doing the mother act. And shall I tell you something? I was doing the mother act. Just for a moment, when she smiled, I did think that. I did think how I'd like to have your children and... have my arm round them and have you near me. Isn't that terrible? I have this filthy disgusting stinking-taste thing called love... God, syphilis is _nice_ compared to love... and I'm so depraved, so colonial, so degenerate that I actually dare show you..." "Alison." She took a shuddery breath; near tears. "I realised as soon as we met on Friday. For you I'll always be Alison who slept around. That Australian girl who had an abortion. The human boomerang. Throw her away and she'll always come back for another weekend of cheap knock." "That's a long way below the belt." She lit a cigarette. I went and stood by the window and she spoke at my back, across the bed and the room, from the door. "All that time, last autumn... I didn't realise then. I didn't realise you can get softer. I thought you went on getting harder. God only knows why, I felt closer to you than I've ever felt to any other man. God only knows why. In spite of all your smart-aleck Pommie ways. Your bloody class mania. So I never really got over your going. I tried Pete, I tried another man, but it didn't work. Always this stupid, pathetic little dream. That one day you'd write... so I went mad trying to organise these three days. Betting everything on them. Even though I could see, God how I could see you were just bored." "That's not true. I wasn't bored." "Thinking about this bit on Phraxos." "I missed you too. Hellishly, those first months." Suddenly she switched the lights on. "Turn round and look at me." I did. She was standing by the door, still in her blue jeans and the dark blue shirt; her face a grey and white mask. "I've saved some money. And you can't be exactly broke. If you say the word, I'll walk out of my job tomorrow. I'll come on your island and live with you. I said a cottage in Ireland. But I'll take a cottage on Phraxos. You can have that. The dreadful responsibility of having to live with someone who loves you." "Or?" "You can say no." "An ultimatum." "No sliding. Yes or no." "Alison, if --" "Yes or no." "You can't decide these things.. Her voice sharpened a pitch. "Yes or no." "It's moral blackmail." She came and stood on the other side of the bed; gave me a look of iron. There was nothing gentle in her voice except its volume. "Yes or no." I stared at her. She gave a tiny humourless twist of her lips and answered for me. "No." "Only because..." She ran straight to the door and opened it. I felt angry, trapped into this ridiculous either-or choice, when the reality was so much more complex. I went round the bed towards her, yanked the door away from her grip and slammed it shut again; then caught her and tried to kiss her, reaching past her at the same time to flick off the light. The room was plunged into darkness again, but she struggled wildly, jerking her head from side to side. I pulled her back towards the bed and fell with her across it, making it roll and knock both lamp and ashtray off the bedside table. I thought she would give in, she must give in, but suddenly she screamed, so loud that it must have pierced all through the hotel and echoed over on the other