The Magus - John Fowles [177]
the war." "Shall I meet him?" "That depends on him. But I think not." "Why on him?" "Because I am an actor too, Nicholas, in this strange new metatheatre. That is why I say things both of us know cannot be true. Why I am permitted to lie. And why I do not want to know everything. I also wish to be surprised." I remembered something Julie had said: _He wants us to be mysteries to him as well_. But it was obviously a very limited freedom and mystery he wanted in us; however large an aviary the fancier builds, the aviary's purpose is still to imprison. "Your bank balance must get some surprises, too." "My dear Nicholas, the tragedy of being very rich is that one's bank balance is incapable of giving one surprises. Pleasant or otherwise. But I confess that this is the most ambitious of our creations. That is partly because you have played your part so well." I smiled; lit a cigarette. "I feel I should ask for a salary." "You will receive the highest salary of all." Julie: _a present, a surprise for you_. An unexpected possibility shot through me, which I smothered; but I heard an unintended note of deference in my voice. "I didn't know that." "Perhaps you will never know it." He added drily, "I am not talking of money. And it is also the most ambitious of our creations for the very simple reason that for me there may never be another year." "Your heart?" "My heart." But he looked immortally tanned and fit; in any case, distanced any sympathy. A silence came between us. I said, "Lily?" "You will see Lily later." "I didn't mean that." "Before you tell me what you do mean, let me assure you that after this weekend you will never see her again. In your life. That is the fixed point of conclusion this summer." This was the "last trick" of Julie's letter. I guessed it; to make me think I had lost everything, then to give it to me. I gave him a cool look. "'In my life' is a long time." "Nevertheless, the comedy is nearly over." "But I intend to see the actress home afterwards." "She has promised that, no doubt." "No doubt." He stood up. "Her promises are worth nothing. When you see her tomorrow to say goodbye, ask her to repeat to you the poem of Catullus that begins _Nulli se dicit mulier mea_." "Which you've taught her?" "No. Lily is an excellent classical scholar, and she has an excellent memory." He remained staring rather fiercely down at me. I stood as well; but I was enjoying it, the bluffing. "Of course you can prevent me seeing her again here. But what happens when we leave the island is really... with respect... our business. Not yours." "I am trying to warn you. As you say, I cannot stop you meeting away from the island. So you must draw your own conclusions. You may think you arrived here for our first tea together by pure hazard. You did not. If you had not come here that day, partly of your own free will, we should have ensured that you were definitely here by the next weekend. Similarly we have our fixed point of conclusion. You will be foolish to fight it." "Can you command people's emotions so easily?" He smiled. "When you know the plot." I felt myself getting irritated then. That was probably his intention. A little bat's wing of fear flickered through my mind. There were so many things he could do at Bourani, so many surprises he could spring besides whatever Julie believed was to come. He reached out his hand for me to come round the table. "Nicholas. Go back to England and make it up with this girl you spoke of. Marry her and have a family and learn to be what you really are." I had my eyes on the ground. I wanted to shout at him that Alison was dead; and largely because he had woven Julie's life through mine. I trembled on the brink of telling him I wanted no more deceptions, no more comedy, _rose ou noir_. Perhaps I really wanted to squeeze some sympathy out of that dry heart. "Is that how you learn what you are? Marrying and having a family?" "Why not?" "A steady job and a house in the suburbs?" "Excellent." "I'd rather die." He gave a shrug of regret, but as if he didn't really care. "Come. You have never heard