The Magus - John Fowles [269]
the madness erupting out of calm. She sat down again, on her throne. "Of course, if you wish to live in the world of received ideas and received manners, what we did, and what my daughter did, is disgusting. Very well. But remember that there is another possible explanation. She may have been being very brave. Neither I nor my children pretend to be ordinary people. They were not brought up to be ordinary. We are rich and we are intelligent and we mean to live rich, intelligent lives." I said without turning. "Lucky you." "Of course. Lucky us. And we accept the responsibility that our good luck in the lottery of existence puts upon us." "Responsibility!" I wheeled round on her again. "Do you really think we do this just for you? Do you really believe we are not... charting the voyage?" I stared back at her, then turned away. She went on in a milder yoice. "All that we did was to us a necessity." She meant, not self-indulgence. "With all the necessity of gratuitous obscenity." "With all the necessity of a very complex experiment." "I like my experiments simple." "The days of simple experiments are over." A long silence fell between us. I was still full of spleen; and in some obscure way frightened to think of Alison in this woman's hands. As one hears of a countryside one has loved being sold to building developers. And I also felt left behind, abandoned again. I did not belong to this other-planet world. She came behind me and put her hand on my shoulder and made me turn. "Do I look an evil woman? Did my daughters?" "Actions. Not looks." My voice sounded raw; I wanted to slap her arm down, to get out. "Are you absolutely sure our actions have been nothing but evil?" I looked down. I wouldn't answer. She took her hand away, but stayed close in front of me. "Will you trust me a little--just for a little while?" I shook my head, but she went on. "You can always telephone me. If you want to watch the house, please do. But I warn you that you will see no one you want to see. Only Benjie and Gunnel and my two middle children when they come home from France next week. Only one person is making you wait at the moment." "She should tell me so herself." She looked out of the window, then sideways at me. "I should so like to help you." "I want Alison. Not help." "May I call you Nicholas now?" I turned away from her; went to the sofa table, stared down at the photos there. "Very well. I will not ask again." We faced each other. "I could go to a newspaper and sell them the story. I could ruin your whole blasted..." "Just as you could have brought that cat down across my daughter's back." I looked sharply back at her. "It was you? In the sedan?" "No." "Alison?" "You were told. It was empty." She met my disbelieving eyes. "I give you my word. It was not Alison. Or myself." She smiled at my still suspicious look. "Well. Perhaps there was someone there." "Who?" "Someone... quite famous in the world. Whose face you might have recognised. That is all." Tendrils of her sympathy began to sneak their way through my anger. With a curt look, I wheeled and walked towards the door. She came after me, snatching up a sheet of paper from the top of the desk. "Please take this." I saw a list of names; dates of birth; _Hughes to de Seitas, February 22, 1933_; the telephone number. "It doesn't prove anything." "Yes it does. Go to Somerset House." I shrugged, pushed the list carelessly in my pocket and went on without looking at her. I opened the front door with her just behind me; and she came down the steps after me. I got in and she stood by the car. I gave her a quick glance up and reached for the ignition key, but her hand stopped my arm. "I shall be waiting." "You'll have to wait then." I stared balefully up at her. "Because I'll see Alison in hell before I come to you again." Her hand stayed, as if she wanted to say something more. I stared at the dashboard. The moment her hand lifted I switched on. As I went out of the gate I saw her in the mirror. She was standing there on the step in front of the open door, and her arms were raised in the Ka gesture.