The Mammoth Hunters - Jean M. Auel [182]
I almost forgot, she thought, taking out her packets of Iza’s secret contraceptive herbs. Whether it helped her totem fight off the spirit of a man’s totem, as lza thought, or somehow resisted the essence of a man’s organ, as she suspected, Ayla did not want to take the chance of starting a baby now. Everything was too unsettled. She had wanted a baby started by Jondalar, but while she was waiting for the tea, she began to wonder how a baby, who was a mixture of her and Ranec, would look. Like him? Like me? Or a little of both? Probably both, like Durc … and Rydag. They were mixtures. A dark son from Ranec would look different, too, except, she thought with a trace of bitterness, no one would call him an abomination, or think he was an animal. He would be able to talk and laugh and cry, just like everyone else.
Knowing how Talut had appreciated her headache remedy the last time he drank his brew, Ayla made enough for several people. After she drank hers, she went out to look for Jondalar. The new annex leading out directly from the Mammoth Hearth was proving TO be quite a convenience, and for some reason she was glad she didn’t have to go through the Fox Hearth. The horses were outside, but as she walked through, she noticed Jondalar’s traveling sleeping fur rolled up next to the wall and wondered, in passing, how it got there.
As she pushed aside the drape and stepped through the second arch, she saw Talut, Wymez, and Mamut talking with Jondalar, whose back was to her.
“How is head, Talut?” she asked as she approached.
“Are you offering me some of your magic morning-after medicine?”
“I have headache, and make tea. There is more, inside,” she said, then turned to Jondalar with a full, happy smile now that she had found him.
For an instant her smile brought a like response, but just for an instant. Then his face clouded into a dark frown and his eyes filled with a look she had never seen there before. Her smile left her.
“You want tea, too, Jondalar?” she asked, confused and distraught.
“Why do you think I need it? I didn’t drink too much last night, but I don’t suppose you noticed,” he replied in a voice so cold and distant she hardly recognized it.
“Where you go? I look for you early, but not in bed.”
“Neither were you,” he said. “I hardly think it mattered to you where I was.” He turned and walked away from her. She looked at the other three men. She saw embarrassment on Talut’s face. Wymez looked uncomfortable, but not entirely unhappy. Mamut had a look she couldn’t decipher.
“Ah … I think I’ll go get some of that tea you offered,” Talut said, quickly ducking into the lodge.
“Perhaps I’ll try a cup, too,” Wymez said, and followed him.
What did I do wrong? Ayla thought, and the uneasiness she had been feeling grew into a hard knot of distress in the pit of her stomach.
Mamut studied her, then said, “I think you should come and talk to me, Ayla. Later, when we can have a moment alone. Your tea may bring several visitors to the hearth now. Why don’t you get something to eat?”
“I am not hungry,” Ayla said, her stomach churning. She did not want to start out with her new people doing something wrong, and she wondered why Jondalar was so angry.
Mamut smiled reassuringly. “You should try to eat something. There is mammoth meat left over from your feast, and I think Nezzie saved one of those steamed loaves for you.”
Ayla nodded. As she walked toward the main entrance of the longhouse, upset and worried, she looked for the horses with the part of her mind that was always concerned for them. When she saw them she noticed Jondalar was with them, and felt a small sense of relief. She had often drawn comfort from the animals when she was troubled, and while not a completely formed thought, she hoped that turning to them would eventually make Jondalar feel better.
She passed through the foyer and into the cooking hearth. Nezzie was sitting with Rydag and Rugie, eating. She smiled when she saw Ayla and got up. For all that she was amply proportioned, Nezzie