The Mammoth Hunters - Jean M. Auel [185]
“Ayla, you shouldn’t have gone out in that blizzard!” Deegie said. “You can lose your way a few steps beyond the entrance.”
But it has been blowing like that for many, many days, and Whinney and Racer go out. I want to know where they go.”
“Did you find out?”
“Yes. They like to feed at place around bend. Wind does not blow so hard, and snow does not cover dry grass too high. Blows drift on other side. I have some grain, but have not grass left. Horses know where is grass, even when blizzard blows. I will give water here, when they come back,” Ayla said, stamping her feet, and shaking the snow off the parka she had just pulled off. She hung it up on a peg near the entrance to the Mammoth Hearth, on her way in.
“Can you believe it? She went outside. In this weather!” Deegie announced to the several people who were congregated at the fourth hearth.
“But why?” Tornec asked.
“Horses need to eat, and I …” Ayla started to reply.
“I thought you were gone a long time,” Ranec said. “When I asked Mamut, he said he had last seen you go into the horse hearth, but when I looked you weren’t there.”
“Everyone started looking for you, Ayla,” Tronie said.
“Then Jondalar noticed your parka was gone, and the horses, too. He thought you might have gone out with them,” Deegie said, “so we decided we’d better look for you outside. When I looked out to see how the weather was, I saw you coming.”
“Ayla, you should let someone know if you are going out when the weather is bad,” Mamut chided, gently.
“Don’t you know you make people worry when you go out in a blizzard like this?” Jondalar said, his tone more angry.
Ayla tried to answer, but everyone was talking at once. She looked at all the faces watching her, and flushed. “I am sorry. I did not mean to make worry. I live alone long time, have no people to worry. I go out and come in when I want. I am not used to people, to have someone worry,” she said, looking at Jondalar, then at the others. Mamut saw Ayla’s brow knit in a frown as the blond man turned away.
Jondalar felt himself flush as he walked away from the people who had been worried about Ayla. She was right, she had lived alone and taken care of herself just fine. What right did he have to question her actions, or take her to task for not telling anyone she was going out? But he had been fearful from the moment he discovered she was missing and had probably gone outside into the blizzard. He had seen bad weather—winters where he grew up were exceptionally cold and bleak—but he had never seen weather so severe. This storm had raged without letup for half the season, it seemed.
No one had been more fearful for her safety than Jondalar, but he didn’t want to show his deep concern. He’d been having difficulty talking to her since the night of her adoption. At first, he was so hurt that she had chosen someone else, he had withdrawn, and was ambivalent about his own feelings. He was wildly jealous, yet he doubted his love for her because he had been ashamed that he brought her.
Ayla had not shared Ranec’s furs again, but every night Jondalar was afraid she might. It made him tense and nervous, and he found himself staying away from the Mammoth Hearth until after she was in bed. When he did finally join her on their sleeping platform, he turned his back and resisted touching her, afraid he might lose control, afraid he might break; down and beg her to love him.
But Ayla didn’t know why he was avoiding her. When she tried to talk to him, he answered in monosyllables, or pretended to be asleep; when she put an arm around him, he was stiff and unresponsive. It seemed to her that he didn’t like her any more, especially after he brought separate furs to sleep in, so he wouldn’t feel the searing touch of her