The Mammoth Hunters - Jean M. Auel [369]
His beautiful woman, he thought. His wonderful, exciting Ayla, the only woman he’d ever truly loved. What would he have done if he’d lost her? He felt the blood rush to his loins. His fear at the thought of losing her, and his love, awakened his need, and filled him with a strong desire to hold her. He wanted her. He wanted her more than he’d ever wanted her in his life. He could have taken her that instant, right there on the cold, bloody floor of the ice canyon.
She glanced up at him and saw his look, felt the irresistible charisma of eyes as vividly blue as a deep glacial pool, but warm. He wanted her. She knew he wanted her, and she wanted him with a fire that seared her and would not be quenched. She loved him, more than she dreamed it was possible to love anyone. She stretched up to him, reaching for him, hungering for his kiss, for his touch, for his love.
“Talut just told me about it!” Ranec said, running toward them, panic in his voice. “Is that the bull?” He looked stunned. “Are you sure you are not hurt, Ayla?”
Ayla stared at Ranec for a moment, uncomprehending, and saw a veil drop over Jondalar’s eyes as he stepped back. Then the sense of Ranec’s question reached her.
“No, I’m not hurt, Ranec. I’m fine,” Ayla said, but she wasn’t sure if it was true. Her mind was in a turmoil as she watched Jondalar yank his spear out of the mammoth’s neck and walk away. She watched him go.
She’s not my Ayla any more, and it’s my own fault! he thought. Suddenly he remembered the incident on the steppes the first time he rode Racer, and was filled with remorse, and shame. He knew what a terrible crime that was, and yet he could have done it again. Ranec was a better man for her. He had turned his back on her, and then defiled her. He didn’t deserve her. He had hoped he was beginning to accept the inevitable, hoped that someday, after he returned to his home, he might forget Ayla. He was even able to enjoy a level of friendship with Ranec. But now he knew that the pain of losing her would never go away, he would never get over Ayla.
He saw a mammoth, the last one standing, a young one that had somehow escaped the carnage. Jondalar heaved his spear at the animal with such violent force it was brought to its knees. Then he stalked out of the icy canyon. He had to get away, to be alone. He walked until he knew he was out of sight of the rest of the hunters. Then he put his hands up to his head, and gritted his teeth, and tried to get himself under control. He dropped to the ground and pounded his fists on the earth.
“O Doni,” he cried out, trying to rid himself of his pain and misery, “I know it’s my fault. I was the one who turned my back on her and pushed her away. It wasn’t just jealousy, I was ashamed to love her. I was afraid she wouldn’t be good enough for my people, afraid she wouldn’t be accepted, and I would be turned out because of her. But I don’t care about that any more. I’m the one who’s not good enough for her, but I love her. O Great Mother, I love her, and I want her. Doni, how I want her! No other woman means anything. I come away from them empty. Doni, I want her back. I know it’s too late, now, but I want my Ayla back.”
36
Talut was never more in his element than when they butchered mammoths. Bare-chested, sweating profusely, swinging his massive axe as though it were a child’s toy, he cracked bones and ivory, split tendons, and ripped through tough skin. He enjoyed the work and knowing it helped his people, took delight in using his powerful body and making the effort less for someone else, grinned with pleasure as he used his massive muscles in a way that no one else could, and everyone who watched him had to smile, too.
Skinning