The Mammoth Hunters - Jean M. Auel [391]
“I’m sorry, Ranec. We have to talk. Someplace where we can be alone.”
He could only acquiesce. Ayla went into the tent first, and took something from her pack. They walked down the slope toward the river, and then along its bank. Finally, Ayla stopped, reached inside her tunic, and pulled out the carving of a woman transcending into her spiritual bird form, the muta Ranec had carved for her.
“I have to give this back to you, Ranec, Ayla said, holding it out to him.
Ranec jumped back, as though he had been burned. “What do you mean? You can’t give that back! You need it to make a hearth. You need it for our Matrimonial,” he said, an edge of panic creeping into his voice.
“That’s why I have to give it back. I can’t make a hearth with you. I’m leaving.”
“Leaving? You can’t leave, Ayla. You Promised. Everything’s arranged. The Matrimonial is tonight. You said you would join with me. I love you, Ayla. Don’t you understand? I love you.” The panic rose in Ranec’s voice with each statement.
“I know,” Ayla said softly. The shock and pain in his eyes hurt her. “I Promised, and everything is arranged. But I have to leave.”
“But why? Why now, all of a sudden?” Ranec said, his voice high-pitched, almost strangled.
“Because I have to leave now. It’s the best time to travel, and we have a long way to go. I’m going with Jondalar. I love him. I never stopped loving him. I thought he didn’t love me.…”
“When you thought he didn’t love you, then I was good enough? Is that how it was?” Ranec said. “All the time we spent together, you were wishing it was him. You never loved me at all.”
“I wanted to love you, Ranec. I care about you. I wasn’t always wishing for Jondalar, when I was with you. You made me happy many times.”
“But not always. I wasn’t good enough. You were perfect, but I wasn’t always perfect for you.”
“I never looked for perfect. I love him, Ranec. How long could you love me knowing that I love someone else?”
“I could love you until I die, Ayla, and into the world beyond. Don’t you understand? I will never love anyone again the way I love you. You can’t leave me.” The dark, magnetic artist was pleading with her, with tears in his eyes; he had never pleaded for anything before in his life.
Ayla was feeling his pain, and she wished there was something she could do to make it less. But she could not give him the one thing he wanted. She could not love him the way she loved Jondalar.
“I’m sorry, Ranec. Please. Take the muta.” She held it out again.
“Keep it!” he said, with as much venom as he could. “Maybe I’m not good enough for you, but I don’t need you. I can have my pick of this place. Go ahead, run off with your flint knapper. I don’t care.
“I can’t keep it,” Ayla said, putting the muta down on the ground at his feet. She bowed her head and turned to go.
She walked back along the river, with pain in her heart for the pain she had caused. She hadn’t meant to hurt him so badly. If there had been any other way, she would have chosen it. She hoped that never again would someone love her that she couldn’t love back.
“Ayla?” Ranec called out. She turned back and waited for him to catch up with her. “When are you leaving?”
“As soon as I can get packed.”
“It’s not true, you know. I do care.” His face was etched with grief and pain. She wanted to run to him, comfort him, but she didn’t dare encourage him. “I always knew you loved him, from the beginning,” he said. “But I loved you so much, I wanted you so much, I didn’t want to see it. I tried to convince myself that you loved me, and I hoped, in time, you really would.”
“Ranec, I’m so sorry,” she said. “If I hadn’t loved Jondalar first, I would have loved you. I could have been happy with you. You were so good to me, and you always made me laugh. I do love you, you know. Not the way you want, but I will always love you.”
His black eyes were full of anguish. “I’ll never stop loving you, Ayla. I’ll never forget you. I’ll take this love to my grave,” Ranec said.
“Don’t say that! You deserve more happiness than that.”
He laughed, a