The Man in the White Suit_ The Stig, Le Mans, The Fast Lane and Me - Ben Collins [148]
He blasted around the track a few more times, came through the final bend and put on a little flurry with a spin across the line. He climbed out, had a brief discussion with the Ferrari mechanics and then strolled off to take an hour’s lunch. So we all stopped too.
Michael was taking to his new role with Teutonic gusto. After interviewing him, Jason Barlow, a former TG presenter who now worked on the magazine, shot me an awestruck glance. ‘He’s taken to this pretty seriously, y’know,’ he said in his Irish lilt. ‘I asked him what it was like being The Stig and he told me how tricky it was flyin’ back and forth from the Grand Prix circuit to make it in time for the studio.’
After the break we filmed Michael’s lap proper as Stig. I hooked up with Iain, partly out of interest, but also to check he wasn’t cutting across the white lines. He’d pulled a few controversial moves during his F1career.
The Ferrari cranked up in the distance; the rasp of the V12 bounced off the fencing around the waste disposal site at Turn One. A shriek of valves, followed by staccato, bullet-like gear changes and the black rocket shot into view. Iain worked his magic, holding it perfectly in frame, focusing in on the detail then pulling the lens wide as he came closer and flew through the corner.
‘Is he any good?’
‘I’d say he’s done this once or twice before …’
Michael drove an electric lap and it was a privilege to see him at work close up. The FXX was all race car. If anything, the setup looked too stiff for Dunsfold. The back end skipped over bumps I rarely noticed. Up close, Schumacher’s turn in was very fast in the tight corners; ‘Point and squirt’, the way you drove a go-kart. The rest looked familiar – though he did spare his machine from hammering across the storm drain several inches beneath the tarmac at the Follow Through. Mind you, since his lap time was seven seconds faster than the record, a few extra tenths probably didn’t concern him.
I had to top and tail Schumacher’s introduction to the audience because I was the only person Clarkson knew who could look angry from behind a closed visor. They wanted to film me doing ‘my walk’ and standing in the studio before swapping me for the maestro.
Wilman was adamant that no one outside the very tight Top Gearcircle of trust should see both Stigs at the same time, but as I rounded a corner in the production office, I bumped straight into him. Alex’s eyes were like saucers. ‘Two Stigs – aaaargh!’
It was a surreal moment. I gave Michael a crisp salute and a high five.
Wilman told him to expect a few gags from Jeremy. ‘You know, he might say something like, “So if me and you were having a scrap, who would win?” That kind of thing.’
And Schumacher said, ‘What does this have to do with Bacardi?’
I wasn’t sure who was taking the piss out of who.
I got the nod to head for the studio. I stood outside what used to be the Harrier maintenance area. The giant hangar doors slid open and I was greeted by a roar from the audience. I stopped at my mark and looked ‘angrily’ around the room. ‘The Stig has come among us,’ Clarkson announced. ‘I know exactly what this is about; he’s fed up with newspapers speculating that he lives in a pebble-dashed house in Bristol … Who wants to see The Stig’s head?’
That was me done. I disappeared into Schumacher’s motorhome. Once the coast was clear, I could emerge as Ben Collins whilst he ‘outed’ himself on camera.
As I climbed aboard the great man was tucking into a bowl of corn-flakes with his female personal assistant.
I got changed, then asked him what he thought of the TG circuit.
He grinned. ‘You call that a circuit?’
His PA chipped in sympathetically, ‘Michael’s just being mean.’
‘Well maybe it’s OK for road cars and this kind of thing, but that chicane in the middle with that bump – it’s no good for real performance cars, I