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By Root 641 0

the chemistry of a situation didn’t create the right timing. With stand-up, I don’t write jokes to pander to the audience. I also don’t just write inside jokes I know the audience won’t get because “I’m gonna do whatever I’m gonna do and SCREW everybody else, MAN!” I think it’s about forming a relationship. And in a relationship, there’s a give–and-take. Sometimes relationships just don’t work no matter how much we want them to. Don’t purposely alienate people with your craft, but also don’t lose yourself trying to please everybody. Remember, when you try to talk to everyone, you’re actually talking to NO ONE.

TWELVE ORBITING SATELLITES

I believe we all have a certain number of images that circle our brain at all times and that give us a general sense of who we think we are. For me that number seems to be twelve. You might have more or less, which I don’t know because I don’t live in your head. (Unless you’re a solipsist.) Imagine your brain is a planet, and there are a bunch of satellites projecting these emotional images. I think this is because one image alone wouldn’t convincingly define us, so we create a sampling to weigh against one another to evoke a single, consistent self-image.

I’m sure it feels like we’re not in control of these satellites and that they just autonomously fire off things we’re supposed to believe, but that just isn’t true. We unconsciously give control to these internal machines because controlling them takes some energy and work. Try something: Look up from this book for a second and check in with yourself. Ask “Who am I?” You might feel a flash of events that try to satisfy this query. How did it make you feel? Do you agree with it? (I did this just now and got an image of myself in a straitjacket, cackling wildly while sinking into a volcano with pages of my unfinished book flash-popping into ash midair. I think my brain is telling me I’m crazy for trying to finish a book in a Starbucks on successive hour-long breaks from my other job.) Would you like it to be something different? It can. Isolate one of those images, focus on it, and replace it with whatever you want. Even if it’s something that never happened. Now put this image into the rotation and let it go. I removed the volcano image and shoved in one in which I’m hovering above a body of water, as an elemental whirlwind forms to put a finished manuscript in my hands. A beam of light strikes my chest, Nature is singing, and I’m fairly certain a cluster of naiads just anointed my nipples. I know. I’m weird. But I can’t deny that it changes the emotional value of what I was feeling before. If you do it right, and really visualize it, you should feel it, maybe even tingling, in the top of your head. You’ve just altered the Matrix. Congratulations, Neo!

CHARACTERCIZE

Describe some of your images.

Identify the negative ones.

Try replacing them with positive ones (or even ridiculous ones).

IGNORE YOUR BRAIN

Guess what, braingineers?? I’m about to upend your world with one li’l sentence. A simple mantra that has guided me through the darkest whispers of autocerebral asphyxiation: YOU DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK. I know, RIGHT?? If you are having trouble uploading positive images to your ego satellites, here is a great tactic: Ignore your fucking brain altogether. It rarely occurs to anyone that you don’t have to listen to your brain or do what it says. Your brain doesn’t mean to lead you in bad directions! It really has what it perceives to be your best interests at heart. It’s just that, unless properly trained, it usually only takes into account your short-term happiness because it just wants you to feel good in the immediate moment. “Get drunk in the morning!” “Eat fifty Chocodiles!” “Instead of working, you could masturbate!” These are all examples of things that will only bring you temporary happiness in that moment, but could have negative long-term effects. You can simply say to yourself, “I hear what you’re saying, brain, but I choose to ignore you.” If your brain rages beyond that, you