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By Root 652 0

to take a guess, I would say that our brain isn’t some wonder organ that all of a sudden just appeared from the ether and existed in harmonious wholeness (sorry, Creation Museum). It is the result of millions of years of more and more complex layers lumping over our lizard almonds like a bad spackle job. When you feel that first twinge of panic, your body is asking itself, “Am I in danger?” and for panic sufferers, the answer is usually, “WHY, IN FACT I AM!!!” even though they’re not really—the brain is just misfiring, bless it. It means well. It’s just trying to protect us REAL HARD. The body then takes us down the adrenaline river ride that we all know and love, shedding our higher brain functions along the way until we end up a heap of panting flesh not knowing which way to run, reduced to lolcat syntax as our means of communication: “Me wan tare skin noff!” It’s a survival mechanism with abject terror as a delightful side effect.

Let’s examine that first point of entry, “Am I in danger?” Sometimes it might be enough to gently say no, or to at least acknowledge, “OK, I know what this is . . .” But if that don’t cut the cerebral mustard try to remind yourself how adrenaline gets through your body: through a fast-pumping heart. That is why it is CRUCIAL to keep your heart rate down. If your heart is slow and normal, you cannot experience a panic attack. It is impossible to exist in both states. Remember, this is a chemical thing. Rather than focusing on how you might really be dying this time, focus on the SCIENCE of what’s happening to you. Your instinct may be to fight, but that just makes it worse. Focus on actually making your heart beat SLOWER. Pretend it’s a game and first prize is sanity.

AVOID CAFFEINE

As you probably know, panic and caffeine have an electric sexual chemistry: The former comes right after the latter (terrible pun mostly not intended). About eight years ago, my attacks flared up again after having been dormant for some time. “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AGAIN???!” I pondered over a nice hot cup of coffee one day about five minutes before another one hit. When I went over the timetable of events in my head, there seemed to be a connection. Just for the hell of it, I googled “coffee and panic attacks” and proceeded to enjoy the two million pages that popped up, warning of the atomic dangers of caffeine to the panic stricken. I know, coffee is a bitchin’ dominatrix that kicks your ass throughout the day with a twenty-ounce boot, but at what cost? If you can let it go, you should. You will experience almost instant results. Like not thinking you’re dying.

BREATHE, MAN, BREATHE!

Just think, if you had a panic attack five hundred years ago, they’d have thought you were possessed by some manner of dark spirit and you would’ve had the panic burned or bled out of you! Stupid Middle Ages! Today, we know that simple yet proper breathing techniques are helpful with no loss of blood necessary. At the onset of an attack it will feel counterintuitive, but you have to trust that it works. Take slow breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth, and let the oxygen fill your lungs as you push your tummy out. (Yes, I am a grown man who uses “tummy.” I find it more palatable than “food bag” or “shit garage.”) This process will help you in two ways: (1) A slowed heart can’t pump fear through your body, and (2) the very act of focusing on a measured activity will take your thoughts away from your panic.

Most people breathe very shallowly, up in their chest, and this is very true of panicky types. Especially when you feel your chest tighten. When you take a good, productive breath, your stomach should extend outward because you’re getting air all the way into your lungs. When you exhale, your stomach will go back in, pushing the air out. If you can sit quietly for a few minutes while doing this, you will start to feel your chest relax and warm, tingly bits in the pit of your tummy. Imagine those are spreading through your body. You will feel all keen. Remember, you need oxygen to live so get that stuff