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Time: The first two are all but useless unless you can efficiently connect the events in your life with constructive actions using Einstein’s favorite dimension.

If you picked up this book, it’s probably because the word “Nerdist” and its root word “Nerd” resonated with you. I think we, as Nerds, have very specific thought-processes and problem-solving approaches and so that is why I wanted to speak directly to you, to help you, and as a like-minded human, navigate some of the restrictive brain channels that might be keeping you from being where you want to be in life. And I genuinely want to help you, because our time on this spinning elemental sphere is limited, and at the very least, you deserve to be happy (most of the time). And if you DO have suppressed Nerd rage, I say to you: FINALLY a way to get even with those who stepped on your neck! DON’T wait for another social tragedy to put the fire in your belly! DON’T resort to cheap “mass-murder” tactics to exact your revenge! Success is the most satisfying and LEGAL form of revenge. It is my goal to help make you “better” than your peers. Ultimately, isn’t that what we all want?

Here’s what NOT to expect in this book ∙ a ton of snarky Star Trek references (though I am happy to do that: Guinan, Sarek, the Kobayashi Maru) that feel to the reader like, “Hey, he sure is capitalizing on this Nerd thing while it’s COOL!” This book is a philosophical approach to dealing with various sectors of your life that start at an emotional level: fear, anxiety, focus, physical health, time management. If you’re here, it’s probably because you’re looking for answers. I was, too. I genuinely want you to be able to learn from my mistakes, so you can make entirely NEW and innovative ones of your own and then go pass on your knowledge to some other poor fuck!

Nerds are a community who should support each other (though some of us tend to take such pleasure in tearing others down on message boards, but let’s ignore that for now). The sentences that make up this book are sincere, and I hope you feel that when you read it. Despite being a loud, obnoxious comic, the truth is I’m very private, and I’m sharing things in this book that I don’t normally share with people. It’s a little scary, some of it even embarrassing. Some of you may relate, others may write me off as a kookbag. I just have this feeling that there are other Nerd-types out there who suffer some of the same self-inflicted anguish from time to time and can’t seem to get out of their own way, so this book is for them. Even if you don’t “get” every chapter, or if you emit a self-satisfying “Pfffft. Yeah, be more obvious, why don’t you??” I suspect there are a few things that will make you reevaluate the way you drive your brain (and yes, we do drive our brains to a much greater extent than we realize), care for your body, and manage your time. If I can do that for you, it will justify this purchase. If not, you can tweet at me with the hashtag #DoucheChimp.

Back in April 2011, I woke up one Sunday morning feeling particularly bouncy. Someone had emailed me a pic of me from 2003 in which I was decidedly blimpier. I got the “spontaneous inspiration” bug and quickly tossed up a post on Nerdist.com about how you can change your life in an instant with a simple decision. A “you can do it if you just start” kind of thing.

The response in the comment thread was moving and sweet . . . except for one. That ONE turd in the collective punchbowl at which the Web is so skilled. For every thing in the known universe, there’s an opposing force to hate it. This Newtonian hatred expressed itself thusly, “What a saccharine pile of SHIT. You’re not a fucking LIFE COACH, asshole. Just make with the funny and shut up.” Ahhhhh, yes. That familiar feeling of disassociated Web-buse that will find you if you venture to put yourself out there in any way, which is now ALWAYS because of our concurrent digital existences. If you had infinite fingers, it would still not plug all of