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By Root 1390 0

Korean table-tennis team has just defeated its Somali counterpart in straight sets! Also, President Robert Mugabe sends his well wishes on this, the anniversary of the founding of the Workers’ Party of Korea. Don’t forget, it is improper to sit on the escalators leading into the subways. The Minister of Defense reminds us that the deepest subways in the world are for your civil-defense safety, should the Americans sneak-attack again. No sitting! And kelp-harvesting season will soon be upon us! Time to sterilize your jars and cans. And, finally, it is once again our privilege to crown the year’s Best North Korean Story. Last year’s tale of sorrow at the hands of South Korean missionaries was a one-hundred-percent success. This year’s promises to be even more grand—it is a true story of love and sorrow, of faith and endurance, and of the Dear Leader’s unending dedication to even the lowliest citizen of this great nation. Sadly, there is tragedy. Yet there is redemption, too! And taekwondo! Stay close to your loudspeakers, citizens, for each daily installment.

THE NEXT MORNING, my head was foggy from the sedative. Still, I raced to Division 42, where we checked on Commander Ga. As is the law of beatings, the real hurt came the day after. Rather ingeniously, he had stitched up the cut over his eye, but by what means he’d improvised a needle and thread we couldn’t tell. We would have to discover his method so that we could ask him about it.

We took Commander Ga to the cafeteria, a place we thought would seem less threatening. Most people believe that harm won’t come to them in a public space. We had the interns fetch Ga some breakfast. Jujack fixed a bowl of bi bim bop, while Q-Kee heated a kettle for cha. None of us liked the name “Q-Kee.” It went against the professionalism we were trying to project at Division 42, something sorely missing with Pubyok wandering around in forty-year-old suits from Hamhung and bulgogi-stained ties. But since the new opera diva started going by her initials, all the young women were doing it. Pyongyang can be so trendy that way. Q-Kee countered our complaints with the fact that we wouldn’t reveal our names, and she was unmoved when we explained that the policy was a holdover from the war, when subjects were seen as possible spies rather than citizens who had lost their revolutionary zeal and gone astray. She didn’t buy it, and neither did we. How could you build a reputation in an environment where the only people who got names were the interns and the sad old retirees who clamber in to relive the glory days?

While Commander Ga ate his breakfast, Q-Kee engaged him in some small talk.

“Which kwans do you think have a shot at the Golden Belt this year?” she asked.

Commander Ga simply wolfed his food. We’d never met someone who’d made it out of a mining prison before, but one look at how he ate told us all we needed to know about the conditions at Prison 33. Imagine stepping from a place like that into Commander Ga’s beautiful house on Mount Taesong. His view of Pyongyang is suddenly yours, his famed rice-wine collection is suddenly yours, and then there is his wife.

Q-Kee tried again. “One of the girls in the fifty-five-kilo division just qualified using the dwi chagi ga,” she said. This was Ga’s signature move. He’d personally modified the dwi chagi so that now its execution required turning your back to the opponent to lure him in. Ga either knew nothing of taekwondo or he didn’t take the bait. Of course this wasn’t the real Commander Ga, so he should have no real knowledge of Golden Belt—level martial arts. The questioning was a necessary step in determining the degree to which he actually believed he was Commander Ga.

Ga horsed down the last swallow, wiped his mouth, and pushed the bowl away.

“You’ll never find them,” he said to us. “I don’t care what happens to me, so don’t bother trying to make me tell you.”

His voice was stern, and interrogators aren’t used to being spoken to that way. Some of the Pubyok at another table caught wind of this tone and came over.

Commander Ga pulled