The Plains of Passage - Jean M. Auel [372]
“It’s important that we learn to appreciate all the Mother’s Gifts,” the man said, “but especially her Gift of Pleasure.”
Madenia stiffened. “Her Gift is a lie! It is no pleasure, only pain!” It was the first time she had actually spoken. “No matter how I begged them, they wouldn’t stop. They just laughed, and when one got through, another started! I wanted to die,” she said, then heaved a sob.
Ayla got up, went over to the girl, and held her. “It was my first time, and they wouldn’t stop! They wouldn’t stop,” Madenia cried over and over. “No man will ever touch me again!”
“You have a right to be angry. You have a right to cry. It was a terrible thing they did to you. I know how you feel,” Ayla said.
The young woman pulled away. “How do you know how I feel?” she said, full of bitterness and anger.
“Once it was pain and humiliation for me, too,” Ayla said.
The young woman looked surprised, but Losaduna nodded, as though he suddenly understood something.
“Madenia,” Ayla said gently, “when I was near your age, a little younger I think, but not long after I started my moon time, I was forced, too. It was my first time. I didn’t know it was meant for Pleasure. For me it was only pain.”
“But only one man?” Madenia said.
“Only one man, but he demanded it of me many times after that, and I hated it!” Ayla said, surprised herself at the anger she still felt.
“Many times? Even after being forced the first time? Why didn’t someone stop him?” Madenia said.
“They believed it was his right. They thought I was wrong for feeling such anger and hatred, and they didn’t understand why I should feel pain. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. After a while, I felt no pain, but no Pleasure either. It was not done for Pleasure. It was done to humiliate me, and I never stopped hating it. But … I stopped caring. Something wonderful happened, and no matter what he did, I thought about something else, something happy, and I ignored him. When he couldn’t make me feel anything, not even anger, I think he felt humiliated, and he finally stopped. But I didn’t ever want a man to touch me again.”
“No man will ever touch me again!” Madenia said.
“All men are not like Charoli and his band, Madenia. Some are like Jondalar. He was the one who taught me the joy and the Pleasure of the Mother’s Gift, and I promise you, it is a wonderful Gift. Give yourself a chance to meet a man like Jondalar, and you will learn the joy, too.”
Madenia shook her head. “No! No! It is terrible!”
“I know it was terrible. Even the best Gifts can be misused, and the good turned to evil. But someday you will want to be a mother, and you will never be a mother, Madenia, if you don’t share the Mother’s Gift with a man,” Ayla said.
Madenia was crying, her face wet with tears. “Don’t say that. I don’t want to hear that.”
“I know you don’t, but it’s true. Don’t let Charoli spoil the good for you. Don’t let him take away your chance to be a mother. Have your First Rites so you can learn that it doesn’t have to be terrible. I finally learned, though there was no gathering and no ceremony to celebrate it. The Mother found a way to give me that joy She sent me Jondalar. The Gift is more than Pleasures, Madenia, much more, if it is shared with caring, and love. If the pain I had the first time was the price I had to pay, I would gladly pay it many times for the love I have known. You have suffered so much, maybe the Mother will give you someone special, too, if you give Her a chance. Just think about it, Madenia. Don’t say no until you think about it.”
Ayla woke up feeling more rested and refreshed than she could ever remember. She smiled lazily to herself and reached for Jondalar, but he was up and gone already. She felt a moment of disappointment, then remembered that he had awakened her to remind her that he was going hunting with Laduni and some of the hunters,