The Pleasures of the Damned - Charles Bukowski [12]
hanging like paper.
he said, “I don’t eat
nothin’.”
I bought him a beer and the
whore a beer.
now there, I thought, is a man
who doesn’t eat
meat, he doesn’t eat
vegetables. kind of a saint.
it was like a church in there
as only the truly lost
sit in bars on Tuesday mornings
at 8:00 a.m.
then the whore said, “Jesus,
if I don’t score to night I’m
finished. I’m scared, I’m really
scared. you guys can go to skid row
when things get bad. but where can a
woman go?”
we couldn’t answer her.
she picked up her beer with one hand
and played with her blue beads with the
other.
I finished my beer, went to the
corner and got a Racing Form from Teddy the
newsboy—age 61.
“you got a hot one today?”
“no, Teddy, I gotta see the board; money
makes them run.”
“I’ll give you 4 bucks. bet one for
me.”
I took his 4 bucks. that would buy a sandwich,
pay parking, plus 2
coffees. I got into my car, drove
off. too early for the
track. blue beads and bones. the
universe was
bent. a cop rode his bike right up
behind me. the day had really
begun.
like a cherry seed in the throat
naked in that bright
light
the four horse falls
and throws a 112-pound
boy into the hooves
of 35,000 eyes.
good night, sweet
little
motherfucker.
turnabout
she drives into the parking lot while
I am leaning up against the fender of my car.
she’s drunk and her eyes are wet with tears:
“you son of a bitch, you fucked me when you
didn’t want to. you told me to keep phoning
you, you told me to move closer into town,
then you told me to leave you alone.”
it’s all quite dramatic and I enjoy it.
“sure, well, what do you want?”
“I want to talk to you, I want to go to your
place and talk to you…”
“I’m with somebody now. she’s in getting a
sandwich.”
“I want to talk to you…it takes a while
to get over things. I need more time.”
“sure. wait until she comes out. we’re not
inhuman. we’ll all have a drink together.”
“shit,” she says, “oh shit!”
she jumps into her car and drives off.
the other one comes out: “who was that?”
“an ex-friend.”
now she’s gone and I’m sitting here drunk
and my eyes seem wet with tears.
it’s very quiet and I feel like I have a spear
rammed into the center of my gut.
I walk to the bathroom and puke.
mercy, I think, doesn’t the human race know anything
about mercy?
mystery leg
first of all, I had a hard time, a very hard time
locating the parking lot for the building.
it wasn’t off the main boulevard where
the cars all driven by merciless killers
were doing 55 mph in a 25 mph zone.
the man riding my bumper so
close I could see his snarling face
in my rearview mirror caused me
to miss the narrow alley that would have
allowed me to circle the west
end of the building in search of parking.
I went to the next street, took a right, then
took another right, spotted the building, a blue
heartless-looking structure, then took
another right and finally saw it, a tiny
sign: parking.
I drove in.
the guard had the wooden red and white
barrier down.
he stuck his head out a little window.
“yeah?” he asked.
he looked like a retired hit man.
“to see Dr. Manx,” I said.
he looked at me disdainfully, then said,
“go ahead!”
the red and white barrier lifted.
I drove in,
drove around and around.
I finally found a parking spot a good distance away,
a football field away.
I walked in.
I finally found the entrance and the elevator
and the floor
and then the office number.
I walked in.
the waiting room was full.
there was an old lady talking to the
receptionist.
“but can’t I see him now?”
“Mrs. Miller, you are here at the right time
but on the wrong day.
this is Wednesday, you’ll have to come
back Friday.”
“but I took a cab. I’m an old lady, I have almost
no money, can’t I see him now?”
“Mrs. Miller, I’m sorry but your appointment
is on Friday, you’ll have to come back
then.”
Mrs. Miller turned away: unwanted,
old and poor, she walked to the
door.
I stepped up smartly,