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The Poor Mouth_ A Bad Story About the Hard Life - Flann O'Brien [14]

By Root 428 0
by our men, of course.

Mr Collopy nodded, reflectively. When eventually he spoke there was impatience in his voice.

–You Jesuits, Father, are always searching for nice little out-of-the-way points, some theological rigmarole. Most of you fellows think you are Aquinas. For God’s sake haven’t you got the Ten Commandments? What we call the Decalogue?

–Ah, Saint Thomas! Yes, in his Summa he has many interesting things to say about the same Decalogue. So had Duns Scotus and Nicolaus de Lyra. Of course it is the true deposit.

–Mean to say, why don’t the people of this country obey the Ten Commandments given in charge of Moses? ‘Honour thy father and thy mother.’ The young people of today think the daddy is a tramp and the mammy a poor skivvy. Isn’t that right?

Here the brother coughed.

–Oh no, Father Fahrt said.

He also coughed here but I think the pipe was responsible.

–It is just that young people are a bit thoughtless. I would say you were as bad as the rest, Collopy, when you were a young fellow.

–Yes, Father. I could trust you to say that. I suppose you also think I coveted my neighbour’s wife?

–No, Collopy, not while you were a young fellow.

–What? You mean when I grew up to man’s estate—

–No, no, Collopy, it is my jest.

–Faith then and I don’t think the Commandments are the right thing for God’s anointed to be funny about. I never put my hand near a married woman and there are two of them on my committee, very valuable, earnest souls.

–What nonsense! I know that.

–You want to scarify the divils in the town of Kinnegad? There are pubs in that place. What about our other old friend Thou shalt not steal’?

–A much neglected ordinance.

–Well if the pishrogues of publicans there are anything like the Dublin ones, they are hill and dale robbers. They water the whiskey and then give you short measure. They give you a beef sandwich with no beef in it, only scraws hacked off last Sunday’s roast by the mammy upstairs with her dirty hands. Some of those people don’t wash themselves for weeks on end and that’s a fact. Do you know why some of those ladies often miss Mass? They’d have to wash themselves. And darn their damned stockings.

–As usual I think you exaggerate, Collopy.

–And false witness, is it? There’s people in this town that can’t open their jaws without spilling out a flood of lies and slanders. To biting a nice ripe apple they would prefer back-biting any day.

–Yes, the tongue can be reckless.

–And adultery? The Lord save us! Don’t talk to me about adultery.

–I know, Collopy, that you are devoted to women and their wants. But I am afraid that they are not all angels. Sometimes one meets the temptress. You mentioned biting a ripe apple. Do not forget the Garden of Eden.

–Baah! Adam was a damn fool, a looderamawn if you like. Afraid of nobody, not even the Almighty. A sort of poor man’s Lucifer. Why didn’t he tell that strap of a wife he had to go to hell?

–Excuse me, Father Fahrt.

That heart of mine, faultless registrar, gave a little jump of dismay. It was the brother, again interrupting his betters. They turned and stared at him, Mr Collopy frowning darkly.

–Yes, Manus?

–The wife of Adam in the Garden of Eden was Eve. She brought forth two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain killed Abel but afterwards in Eden he had a son named Henoch. Who was Cain’s wife?

–Well, Father Fahrt said, there has been disputation on that point already.

–Even if Eve had a daughter not mentioned, she would be Cain’s sister. If she hadn’t, then Cain must have married his own mother. Either way it seems to be a bad case of incest.

–What sort of derogatory backchat is that you are giving out of you about the Holy Bible? Mr Collopy bellowed.

–I’m only asking, the brother said doggedly.

–Well, may God in his mercy help us. The father and the mother of a good thrashing is what you badly need.

–Now, now, Father Fahrt said smoothly, that question has been examined by the Fathers. What we nowadays know by the term incest was not sinful in the case of our first parents, since it was inevitable if the human race was to survive-We

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