The Poor Mouth_ A Bad Story About the Hard Life - Flann O'Brien [43]
CARDINAL BALDINI Spoke.
THE POPE
Homo miserrimus in valetudinario a medico curandus est.
This poor man needs attention in hospital.
CARDINAL BALDINI spoke again.
THE POPE
Bona mulier fons gratiae. Attamen ipsae in parvularum rerum suarum occupationibus verrentur. Nos de tantulis rebus consulere non decet.
A good woman is a fountain of grace. But it is themselves whom they should busy about their private little affairs. It is not seemly to consult us on such matters.
CARDINAL BALDINI spoke yet again.
THE POPE
Forsitan poena leviora ille Reverendus Fahrt adduci possit ut et sui sit memor et quae sacerdotis sint partes intellegere.
Perhaps a milder penance will bring Father Fahrt to recollect himself and have true regard to his holy duties.
The Pope then rose and the members of the audience also rose.
THE POPE
Nobis nune abeundum esse videtur. Illud modo ex liberis meis quaero ut de iis cogiteat quae exposui.
I think we should now retire. I ask my children to meditate upon the thoughts we have voiced.
The Holy Father then made the Sign of the Cross, and disappeared through a door behind him.
We silently filed out through the ante-room, Cardinal Baldini walking ahead with Father Fahrt, the two of them talking together quietly. At the time I had no idea, of course, what the subject of the audience had been or what had been said in Latin or Italian by the Pope. It was only when I interviewed Monsignor Cahill the following day that I got the information I have set down here. I asked him what the subject of Mr Collopy’s representations were. He said he had given his word of honour that he would not disclose this to anybody.
My progress at Mr Collopy’s side in the Vatican corridors was slow and tedious. No miracle had cured his fabulous weight. I suppose there was still time.
20
I WAS lying in bed one morning, having already decided I would not go to school that day and thinking that perhaps I would never go back to it. The brother’s last extraordinary letter about the Holy Father and Father Fahrt had contained a cheque for twenty-five pounds. I had already trained Annie to bring me some breakfast in bed and was lying there at my ease, smoking and thinking. I could hear men shouting at horses on the tow-path, hauling a barge. It was amazing how quickly life changed. The brother’s legacy of £5,000 was a miracle in itself, and another miracle was his feat in founding a new sort of university in London. Then you had the three of them inside the Vatican arguing with the Holy Father himself. It would not surprise me if the brother turned out to be appointed Governor of Rome or even came home in the purple of a cardinal, for I knew that in the old days it was common for Popes to appoint mere children to be cardinals. I thought I would join the brother in London. Even if his business did not suit me, there would be plenty of other jobs to be had there. Suddenly Annie came into the room and handed me an orange envelope. It was a cablegram.
COLLOPY DEAD AND FUNERAL IS
TOMORROW HERE IN ROME AM WRITING
I nearly fell out of the bed. Annie stood staring at me.
–Seemingly they are on their way home? she asked.
–Em, yes, I stammered. They will probably take the short route home direct to London. The brother’s business, you know.
–Isn’t it well for them, she said, to be globe-trotting and gallivanting?
–It can be very tiring.
–Ah yes, but look at the money they have. Isn’t it well for them?
She went away and I lay there, quite desolated—I who had been reflecting on the amazing suddenness with which life changed. I had lied automatically to Annie and only now realized that the dead man was her father. I lit another cigarette and realized that I had no idea what I should do. What could I do?
After a time I got up and hung disconsolately about the house for a time. Annie had gone out, presumably to buy food. I was completely in a quandary about breaking the bad news to her. How would she take