The Price She Paid [94]
never ventured further than generalities, and Mrs. Brindley had never proffered advice, had never accepted opportunities to give it except in the vaguest way. She had taught Mildred a great deal, but always by example, by doing, never by saying what ought or ought not to be done. Thus, such development of Mildred's character as there had been was natural and permanent.
``He has put me in a peculiar position,'' said Mildred. ``Or, rather, I have let myself drift into a peculiar position. For I think you're right in saying that oneself is always to blame. Won't you let me talk about it to you, please? I know you hate confidences. But I've got to--to talk. I'd like you to advise me, if you can. But even if you don't, it'll do me good to say things aloud.''
``Often one sees more clearly,'' was Cyrilla's reply-- noncommittal, yet not discouraging.
``I'm free to marry him,'' Mildred went on. ``That is, I'm not married. I'd rather not explain--''
``Don't,'' said Mrs. Brindley. ``It's unnecessary.''
``You know that it's Stanley who has been lending me the money to live on while I study. Well, from the beginning I've been afraid I'd find myself in a difficult position.''
``Naturally,'' said Mrs. Brindley, as she paused.
``But I've always expected it to come in another way--not about marriage, but--''
``I understand,'' said Mrs. Brindley. ``You feared you'd be called on to pay in the way women usually pay debts to men.''
Mildred nodded. ``But this is worse than I expected --much worse.''
``I hadn't thought of that,'' said Cyrilla. ``Yes, you're right. If he had hinted the other thing, you could have pretended not to understand. If he had suggested it, you could have made him feel cheap and mean.''
``I did,'' said Mildred. ``He has been--really wonderful--better than almost any man would have been-- more considerate than I deserved. And I took advantage of it.''
``A woman has to,'' said Cyrilla. ``The fight between men and women is so unequal.''
``I took advantage of him,'' repeated Mildred. ``And he apologized, and I--I went on taking the money. I didn't know what else to do. Isn't that dreadful?''
``Nothing to be proud of,'' said Cyrilla. ``But a very usual transaction.''
``And then,'' pursued Mildred, ``I discovered that I--that I'd not be able to make a career. But still I kept on, though I've been trying to force myself to-- to show some pride and self-respect. I discovered it only a short time ago, and it wasn't really until to-day that I was absolutely sure.''
``You ARE sure?''
``There's hardly a doubt,'' replied Mildred. ``But never mind that now. I've got to make a living at something, and while I'm learning whatever it is, I've got to have money to live on. And I can get it only from him. Now, he asks me to marry him. He wouldn't ask me if he didn't think I was going to be a great singer. He doesn't know it, but I do.''
Mrs. Brindley smiled sweetly.
``And he thinks that I love him, also. If I accept him, it will be under doubly false pretenses. If I refuse him I've got to stop taking the money.''
A long silence; then Mrs. Brindley said: ``Women-- the good ones, too--often feel that they've a right to treat men as men treat them. I think almost any woman would feel justified in putting off the crisis.''
``You mean, I might tell him I'd give him my answer when I was independent and had paid back.''
Cyrilla nodded. Mildred relit her cigarette, which she had let go out. ``I had thought of that,'' said she. ``But--I doubt if he'd tolerate it. Also''--she laughed with the peculiar intonation that accompanies the lifting of the veil over a deeply and carefully hidden corner of one's secret self--``I am afraid. If I don't marry him, in a few weeks, or months at most, he'll probably find out that I shall never be a great singer, and then I'd not be able to marry him if I wished to.''
``He IS a temptation,'' said Cyrilla. ``That is, his money is--and he personally is very nice.''
``I married a man I didn't care for,'' pursued
``He has put me in a peculiar position,'' said Mildred. ``Or, rather, I have let myself drift into a peculiar position. For I think you're right in saying that oneself is always to blame. Won't you let me talk about it to you, please? I know you hate confidences. But I've got to--to talk. I'd like you to advise me, if you can. But even if you don't, it'll do me good to say things aloud.''
``Often one sees more clearly,'' was Cyrilla's reply-- noncommittal, yet not discouraging.
``I'm free to marry him,'' Mildred went on. ``That is, I'm not married. I'd rather not explain--''
``Don't,'' said Mrs. Brindley. ``It's unnecessary.''
``You know that it's Stanley who has been lending me the money to live on while I study. Well, from the beginning I've been afraid I'd find myself in a difficult position.''
``Naturally,'' said Mrs. Brindley, as she paused.
``But I've always expected it to come in another way--not about marriage, but--''
``I understand,'' said Mrs. Brindley. ``You feared you'd be called on to pay in the way women usually pay debts to men.''
Mildred nodded. ``But this is worse than I expected --much worse.''
``I hadn't thought of that,'' said Cyrilla. ``Yes, you're right. If he had hinted the other thing, you could have pretended not to understand. If he had suggested it, you could have made him feel cheap and mean.''
``I did,'' said Mildred. ``He has been--really wonderful--better than almost any man would have been-- more considerate than I deserved. And I took advantage of it.''
``A woman has to,'' said Cyrilla. ``The fight between men and women is so unequal.''
``I took advantage of him,'' repeated Mildred. ``And he apologized, and I--I went on taking the money. I didn't know what else to do. Isn't that dreadful?''
``Nothing to be proud of,'' said Cyrilla. ``But a very usual transaction.''
``And then,'' pursued Mildred, ``I discovered that I--that I'd not be able to make a career. But still I kept on, though I've been trying to force myself to-- to show some pride and self-respect. I discovered it only a short time ago, and it wasn't really until to-day that I was absolutely sure.''
``You ARE sure?''
``There's hardly a doubt,'' replied Mildred. ``But never mind that now. I've got to make a living at something, and while I'm learning whatever it is, I've got to have money to live on. And I can get it only from him. Now, he asks me to marry him. He wouldn't ask me if he didn't think I was going to be a great singer. He doesn't know it, but I do.''
Mrs. Brindley smiled sweetly.
``And he thinks that I love him, also. If I accept him, it will be under doubly false pretenses. If I refuse him I've got to stop taking the money.''
A long silence; then Mrs. Brindley said: ``Women-- the good ones, too--often feel that they've a right to treat men as men treat them. I think almost any woman would feel justified in putting off the crisis.''
``You mean, I might tell him I'd give him my answer when I was independent and had paid back.''
Cyrilla nodded. Mildred relit her cigarette, which she had let go out. ``I had thought of that,'' said she. ``But--I doubt if he'd tolerate it. Also''--she laughed with the peculiar intonation that accompanies the lifting of the veil over a deeply and carefully hidden corner of one's secret self--``I am afraid. If I don't marry him, in a few weeks, or months at most, he'll probably find out that I shall never be a great singer, and then I'd not be able to marry him if I wished to.''
``He IS a temptation,'' said Cyrilla. ``That is, his money is--and he personally is very nice.''
``I married a man I didn't care for,'' pursued