The Rescue - Nicholas Sparks [126]
“Can’t you see why that hurts me? I can’t help but think how sad it must be for you to live your life without people—people who could offer you support or simply lend an ear when you need it. And it’s all because of me.”
“No—”
She didn’t let him finish, refusing to listen to his protests. Looking toward the horizon, she seemed lost in the past.
“When your father died, I was so caught up in my own sadness that I ignored how hard it was for you. I tried to be everything for you, but because of that, I didn’t have time for myself. I didn’t teach you how wonderful it is to love someone and have them love you back.”
“Sure you did,” he said.
She fixed him with a look of inexpressible sorrow. “Then why are you alone?”
“You don’t have to worry about me, okay?” he muttered, almost to himself.
“Of course I do,” she said weakly. “I’m your mother.”
Judy moved from her knees to a sitting position on the ground. Taylor did the same and reached out his hand. She took it willingly and they sat in silence, a light wind moving the trees around them.
“Your father and I had a wonderful relationship,” she finally whispered.
“I know—”
“No, let me finish, okay? I may not have been the mother that you needed back then, but I’m going to try now.” She squeezed his hand. “Your father made me happy, Taylor. He was the best person that I ever knew. I remember the first time he ever spoke to me. I was on my way home from school and I’d stopped to get an ice-cream cone. He came in the store right behind me. I knew who he was, of course—Edenton was even smaller than it is now. I was in the third grade, and after getting my ice-cream cone, I bumped into someone and dropped it. That was my last nickel, and I got so upset that your father bought me a new one. I think I fell in love with him right there. Well . . . as time went on, I never did get him out of my system. We dated in high school, and after that we got married, and never once did I ever regret it.”
She stopped there, and Taylor let go of her hand before slipping his arm around her.
“I know you loved Dad,” he said with difficulty.
“That wasn’t my point. My point is that even now, I don’t regret it.”
He looked at her, uncomprehending. Judy met his gaze, her eyes suddenly fierce.
“Even if I knew what would eventually happen to your father, I would have married him. Even if I’d known that we’d only be together for eleven years, I wouldn’t have traded those eleven years for anything. Can you understand that? Yes, it would have been wonderful to have grown old together, but that doesn’t mean I regret the time we spent together. Loving someone and having them love you back is the most precious thing in the world. It’s what made it possible for me to go on, but you don’t seem to realize that. Even when love is right there in front of you, you choose to turn away from it. You’re alone because you want to be.”
Taylor rubbed his fingers together, his mind growing numb again.
“I know,” Judy went on with fatigue in her voice, “that you feel responsible for your father’s death. All my life I’ve tried to help you understand that you shouldn’t, that it was a horrible accident. You were just a child. You didn’t know what was going to happen any more than I did, but no matter how many ways I tried to say it, you still believed you were at fault. And because of that, you’ve shut yourself off from the world. I don’t know why . . . maybe you don’t think you deserve to be happy, maybe you’re afraid that if you finally allow yourself to love someone, you’d be admitting that you weren’t responsible . . . maybe you’re afraid of leaving your own family behind. I don’t know what it is, but all those things are wrong. I can’t think of another way to tell you.”
Taylor didn’t respond, and Judy sighed when she realized he wasn’t going to.
“This summer, when I saw you with Kyle, do you know what I thought? I thought about how much you looked like your father. He was always good with kids, just like you. I remember how you used to tag along behind him, everywhere he went. Just the way you used to look at