The Restaurant at the End of the Universe - Douglas Adams [29]
“Drinks!” cried Zaphod. “That was it! See what you miss if you don’t stay alert.”
“Indeed, sir,” said the waiter patiently. “If the lady and gentlemen would care to take drinks before dinner…”
“Dinner!” Zaphod exclaimed with passion. “Listen, little green person, my stomach could take you home and cuddle you all night for the mere idea.”
“… and the Universe,” continued the waiter, determined not to be deflected on his home stretch, “will explode later for your pleasure.”
Ford’s head swiveled slowly toward him. He spoke with feeling.
“Wow,” he said, “what sort of drinks do you serve in this place?”
The waiter laughed a polite little waiter’s laugh.
“Ah,” he said, “I think sir has perhaps misunderstood me.”
“Oh, I hope not,” breathed Ford.
The waiter coughed a polite little waiter’s cough.
“It is not unusual for our customers to be a little disoriented by the time journey,” he said, “so if I might suggest—”
“Time journey?” said Zaphod.
“Time journey?” said Ford.
“Time journey?” said Trillian.
“You mean this isn’t the afterlife?” said Arthur.
The waiter smiled a polite little waiter’s smile. He had almost exhausted his polite little waiter repertoire and would soon be slipping into his role of a rather tight-lipped and sarcastic little waiter.
“Afterlife, sir?” he said. “No, sir.”
“And we’re not dead?” said Arthur.
The waiter tightened his lips.
“Aha, ha,” he said. “Sir is most evidently alive, otherwise I would not attempt to serve sir.”
In an extraordinary gesture which it is pointless attempting to describe, Zaphod Beeblebrox slapped both his foreheads with two of his arms and one of his thighs with the other.
“Hey, guys,” he said, “this is crazy. We did it. We finally got to where we were going. This is Milliways!”
“Milliways!” said Ford.
“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, laying on the patience with a trowel, “this is Milliways—the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”
“End of what?” said Arthur.
“The Universe,” repeated the waiter, very clearly and unnecessarily distinctly.
“When did that end?” said Arthur.
“In just a few minutes, sir,” said the waiter. He took a deep breath. He didn’t need to do this since his body was supplied with the peculiar assortment of gases it required for survival from a small intravenous device strapped to his leg. There are times, however, when whatever your metabolism you have to take a deep breath.
“Now, if you would care to order your drinks at last,” he said, “I will then show you to your table.”
Zaphod grinned two manic grins, sauntered over to the bar and bought most of it.
Chapter 15
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most extraordinary ventures in the entire history of catering. It has been built on the fragmented remains of… it will be built on the fragmented… that is to say it will have been built by this time, and indeed has been—
One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of accidentally becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem involved in becoming your own father or mother that a broad-minded and well-adjusted family can’t cope with. There is no problem about changing the course of history—the course of history does not change because it all fits together like a jigsaw. All the important changes have happened before the things they were supposed to change and it all sorts itself out in the end.
The major problem is quite simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr. Dan Streetmentioner’s Time Traveler’s Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations. It will tell you, for instance, how to describe something that was about to happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days in order to avoid it. The event will be described differently according to whether you are talking about it from the standpoint of your own natural time, from a time in the further future, or a time in the further past and is further complicated by the possibility of conducting conversations while you are actually traveling from one time to another with the