The Restaurant at the End of the Universe - Douglas Adams [31]
“I don’t know what this place is,” said Arthur, “but I think it gives me the creeps.”
“Have another drink,” said Trillian. “Enjoy yourself.”
“Which?” said Arthur. “The two are mutually exclusive.”
“Poor Arthur, you’re not really cut out for this life are you?”
“You call this life?”
“You’re beginning to sound like Marvin.”
“Marvin’s the clearest thinker I know. How do you think we make this violinist go away?”
The waiter approached.
“Your table is ready,” he said.
Seen from the outside, which it never is, the Restaurant resembles a giant glittering starfish beached on a forgotten rock. Each of its arms house the bars, the kitchens, the force-field generators which protect the entire structure and the decayed hunk of planet on which it sits, and the Time Turbines which slowly rock the whole affair backward and forward across the crucial moment.
In the center sits the gigantic golden dome, almost a complete globe, and it was into this area that Zaphod, Ford, Arthur and Trillian now passed.
At least five tons of glitter alone had gone into it before them, and covered every available surface. The other surfaces were not available because they were already encrusted with jewels, precious seashells from Santraginus, gold leaf, mosaic tiles, lizard skins and a million unidentifiable embellishments and decorations. Glass glittered, silver shone, gold gleamed, Arthur Dent goggled.
“Wowee,” said Zaphod. “Zappo.”
“Incredible!” breathed Arthur. “The people…! The things…!”
“The things,” said Ford Prefect quietly, “are also people.”
“The people…” resumed Arthur, “the… other people…”
“The lights…!” said Trillian.
“The tables…” said Arthur.
“The clothes…!” said Trillian.
The waiter thought they sounded like a couple of bailiffs.
“The End of the Universe is very popular,” said Zaphod threading his way unsteadily through the throng of tables, some made of marble, some of rich ultramahogany, some even of platinum, and at each a party of exotic creatures chatting among themselves and studying menus.
“People like to dress up for it,” continued Zaphod. “Gives it a sense of occasion.”
The tables were fanned out in a large circle around a central stage area where a small band were playing light music, at least a thousand tables was Arthur’s guess, and interspersed among them were swaying palms, hissing fountains, grotesque statuary, in short, all the paraphernalia common to all restaurants where little expense has been spared to give the impression that no expense has been spared. Arthur glanced round, half expecting to see someone making an American Express commercial.
Zaphod lurched into Ford, who lurched back into Zaphod.
“Wowee,” said Zaphod.
“Zappo,” said Ford.
“My great-granddaddy must have really screwed up the computer’s works, you know,” said Zaphod. “I told it to take us to the nearest place to eat and it sends us to the End of the Universe. Remind me to be nice to it one day.”
He paused.
“Hey, everybody’s here you know. Everybody who was anybody.”
“Was?” said Arthur.
“At the End of the Universe you have to use the past tense a lot,” said Zaphod, “’cause everything’s been done, you know. Hi, guys,” he called out to a nearby party of giant iguana lifeforms. “How did you do?”
“Is that Zaphod Beeblebrox?” asked one iguana of another iguana.
“I think so,” replied the second iguana.
“Well, doesn’t that just take the biscuit,” said the first iguana.
“Funny old thing, life,” said the second iguana.
“It’s what you make it,” said the first and they lapsed back into silence. They were waiting for the greatest show in the Universe.
“Hey, Zaphod,” said Ford, grabbing for his arm and, on account of the third Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, missing. He pointed a swaying finger.
“There’s an old mate of mine,” he said. “Hotblack Desiato! See the man at the platinum table with the platinum suit on?”
Zaphod tried to follow Ford’s finger with his eyes but it made him feel dizzy. Finally he saw.
“Oh yeah,” he said, then recognition came a moment later. “Hey,” he said, “did that guy ever make it megabig! Wow, bigger than