The Riddle of Gender - Deborah Rudacille [60]
Q: Did you ever have a sense of “they don’t know all of me “?
No. I don’t know whether that is because I have this theatrical mentality, that I can believe whatever. I think I’m a really good actress, because the character becomes very real for me. So I was still being the reflection in the eyes of those that wanted me. So I saw myself as they saw me. And it was very comfortable for me.
Q: When did that start to change for you?
I think that I came into my own when I woke up one day in my late fifties and realized that—it seems like it was overnight—that men have stopped turning around on the street to look. So it gave me the freedom to really deal with me. To see myself. It’s part of this whole gender thing, I think. Now at sixty-three (sixty-four in December), I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (and I never had to do that) and I’m stumbling down the hall, and as I pass a mirror and see myself, I think, “I’m really happy with this body—it’s sagging, it’s falling, it’s all of that, but it’s me.” And it’s the me that I wanted to be. So maybe the stomach is breaching and maybe the boobs are sagging, but it feels genuine.
Q: So your experience of aging is a woman’s experience of aging?”
Yes. You know, a female friend of mine from the early years, whom I had not talked to in over forty years, called after she read the book and said, “I know you’re writing about a transsexual experience, but you’ve written my story.” And that’s very important to me. And I think that’s also extremely telling. We can label it any way we want to, but the experiences are the same.
Q: One of the questions that I’ve asked everyone whom I’ve interviewed for the book is “What is gender?”
I don’t even know what that means anymore, don’t know that I ever knew what it meant. To me, how you are perceived dictates how you are treated, and I have been treated with the female experience. I’ve had some bad experiences. Part of that too is being raised in different times, not knowing that you have the option to make choices. My sisters, for example, were raised with the “don’ts.” I didn’t have any of those so I really made some serious mistakes. It took me a long time to realize that if the bar is closing and I’m in a really wonderful conversation that I want to continue, it does not mean that I can go to someone’s apartment in the hope of continuing it. I’m a slow learner.
Q: What is it that made you aware from early on that you were female despite what your body was telling you?
For me … well, I’ve alluded earlier to this power structure, and that’s how I explain it. I was very aware from a very early age that I did not want the responsibility that is inherent for the male. All of that: Going off and fighting our wars and being responsible for keeping peace, I suppose. Protecting those you love. I wanted to be protected. Now maybe that’s just weak, but as life has progressed and I recall what I have experienced and survived, I don’t consider that to have been weak at all. It was just another way of viewing your function and your place in the world. I wanted to nurture, but I don’t think that is necessarily transsexual. I think there are a lot of men who are happy being men, who feel the same way. So I have no idea what the gender issue is about.
I thought for a long time that being male had to do with testosterone levels, and I still suspect that it does. But then we also have women who have higher testosterone levels, and I view them generally as expressing male energy. I don’t think it’s about genitalia at all. And that brings us back to those transgendered beings who say, “I don’t want to mutilate my body.” I thought it was being very clever when I said [in the book], “There was nothing wrong with my