The Rolling Stone interviews - Jann Wenner [132]
What have you figured out?
I blacked out most of my childhood. I used to have severe nightmares when I was a child. We had bunk beds, and I’d roll out and put my teeth right through my bottom lip—I’d be having some violent nightmare in my bed. I had these for years.
Do you remember what the nightmares were about?
No, I only remember one dream. I dreamt I was a horse. You ever see those movies of wild mustangs running and how heavy that looks? I dreamt about that. I dreamt I was caught and then put in the movies. And in some really stupid movies. And it was totally against my will, and I could not handle it, and I freaked. I didn’t understand the dream. Back then, I was like, “I was a horse, they tried to put me in the movies!” You know, all I could think of at the time was Mr. Ed or Francis. But I always remembered that dream, and now I understand it real well. I didn’t know what my nightmares were about. My parents had always said something really tragic and dark and ugly happened. They wouldn’t say what happened—they always just freaked out whenever anything was mentioned about my real father. I wasn’t told I had a real father until I was seventeen. My real father was my stepdad, as far as I knew. But I found some insurance papers, and then I found my mom’s diploma, with the last name Rose. So I was never born Bill Bailey. I was born William Rose. I am W. Rose because William was an asshole.
Your mother married your biological father when she was in high school?
Yeah. My mom’s eyes actually turn black whenever it’s brought up how terrible this person was. And what I found out in therapy is, my mother and him weren’t getting along. And he kidnapped me, because someone wasn’t watching me. I remember a needle. I remember getting a shot. And I remember being sexually abused by this man and watching something horrible happen to my mother when she came to get me. I don’t know all the details. But I’ve had the physical reactions of that happening to me. I’ve had problems in my legs and stuff from muscles being damaged then. And I buried it and was a man somehow, ’cause the only way to deal with it was bury the shit. I buried it then to survive—I never accepted it. I got a lot of violent, abusive thoughts toward women out of watching my mom with this man. I was two years old, very impressionable, and saw this. I figured that’s how you treat a woman. And I basically put thoughts together about how sex is power and sex leaves you powerless, and picked up a lot of distorted views that I’ve had to live my life with. No matter what I was trying to be, there was this other thing telling me how it was, because of what I’d seen. Homophobic? I think I’ve got a problem, if my dad fucked me in the ass when I was two. I think I’ve got a problem about it.
Yeah, I would imagine so. What happened later?
After I was two, my mom remarried, and I was really upset by that. I thought I was the man in her life or something, because she got away from this man and now she was with me. You know, you’re a baby.
She was yours.
Yeah. And then she married someone else, and that bothered me. And this person basically tried to control me and discipline me because of the problems he’d had in his childhood. And then my mom had a daughter. And my stepfather molested her for about twenty years. And beat us. Beat me consistently. I thought these things were normal. I didn’t know my sister was molested until last year. We’ve been working on putting our lives together ever since and supporting each other. Now my sister works with me. She’s very happy, and it’s so nice to see her happy and that we get along. My dad tried to keep us at odds. And he was very successful at some points in our lives.
Where is your real father?
His brother called me right around the Stones shows, and I had my brother talk to him. I didn’t talk to him, ’cause I needed