The Sea, The Sea - Iris Murdoch [117]
‘Lizzie, it will be quiet, it will sleep, it did sleep.’
She shook her head, gripping her handkerchief in her teeth.
‘Lizzie, I’ll write to you.’
Her tears had ceased. She put away the handkerchief and the broken mirror and unwound the yellow scarf. ‘Don’t write, Charles, it’s kinder. It’s funny, I thought it was the ending then, and it wasn’t, it’s the ending now. Please don’t write to me if you want to be kind. I don’t want—any more—’
She crumpled up the scarf and stuffed it in her pocket. Then she turned and quickly swung open the door, nearly running into Rosina who was standing just outside. Rosina jumped back, and Lizzie ran away down the stairs, leaning hard on the banister, her high-heeled shoes clattering and slithering. I tried to follow her, but Rosina grasped my arm, exerting quite a lot of force and bracing one of her booted feet against my foot. We reeled against the wall. ‘Let her go.’ The front door banged.
I stood for a moment staring at the bead curtain which was swaying and clicking. Then I walked slowly downstairs. Rosina followed me. We went into the kitchen and sat down again at the table.
‘Don’t worry, Charles, that lusty little animal won’t break its heart.’
I was silent.
‘Now I suppose you want me to discuss poor Lizzie with you?’
‘No.’
‘Poor old Charles, you’re demoted as God.’
‘OK. Please go.’
‘If you ever set up with Lizzie Scherer I’ll kill both of you.’
‘Oh Rosina, don’t be stupid, don’t be vulgar. Just please go away. Well, I suppose you’d better let Lizzie get a start if you’re going back to London.’
‘I’m not, I’m going to the Raven Hotel to have a very good lunch alone. Then I’m going to Manchester to do some filming. I shall leave you to your thoughts and I hope they hurt. I won’t interfere with your caper with the bearded lady on one condition. ’
‘What?’
‘That you promise to tell me everything about it.’
‘OK.’
‘You promise?’
‘Yes.’
‘Get up, Charles.’
I rose mechanically to my feet. Rosina came round the table and for a moment I thought she was going to hit me. She gave me one of her wet kisses. ‘Well, goodbye, I’ll be back.’
The front door banged again, and a moment later I heard the departing scream of the little red car. For a moment only I hoped that Lizzie might return. Then I thought what luck it was that Lizzie had not come running to me after my first letter.
I went into the next room and tried to light the fire but failed. There was not enough kindling wood. I was feeling thoroughly disturbed by Lizzie’s crying and Rosina’s kiss. I was miserable about Lizzie but in rather a blank way and I was reluctant to think about her. I wanted her sympathy. I was already regretting my thoroughly vulgar conversation with Rosina. It had seemed a smart thing to do at the time, to tell her about Hartley, but now I was filled with forebodings. In effect, I had given Rosina another weapon. Then I began to wonder a little about cousin James and how he had come unstuck. Homosexuality? Or had the army decided that a crazy Buddhist was a bad security risk? My neck was beginning to hurt where Rosina’s red finger nails had reached it. I wanted to take my temperature but could not find the thermometer.
There was no fog now. Twilight had just been overtaken by darkness, and a bright fierce little moon was shining, dimming the stars and pouring metallic brilliance onto the sea and animating the land with the ghostly intent presences of quiet rocks and trees. The sky was a clear blackish-blue, entertaining the abundant light of the moon but unillumined by it. The earth and its objects were a thick fuzzy brown. Shadows were strong, and the brooding identity