The Sea, The Sea - Iris Murdoch [159]
Hartley, looking at her watch, had just realized this too. ‘Oh yes, he mustn’t see it, he mustn’t see it! If we go at once there’ll be time to get it before he sees it. Then everything will be all right. He just mustn’t see the letter. Please, we must go at once, the car, the car!’
I said, with a maddening air of calm, ‘I’m terribly sorry, but the car isn’t there. It’s gone on to the garage by the Raven Hotel, there’s a fault in the engine.’
‘When will it be back?’ said Titus.
‘I don’t know, oh soon, I daresay.’
‘We could ring them up.’
‘I haven’t got a telephone.’
Hartley cried, ‘I must go, I must go, I must go, if I run I can get there in time—’
‘I’ll run for you,’ said Titus.
‘No, you won’t,’ I said, glaring at him. ‘Now, Hartley, just sit down here at the table and stop behaving like a mad person. The car will probably be back any moment. But listen, I don’t want you to go back there, back to him, back to his house. I want you to stay here, to stay here with Titus and me.’ I gave Titus another meaningful look. I felt as if I were sifting the sense into her head.
Hartley sat down. She looked from me to Titus and back like a frightened animal. I sat down beside her. She was trembling, and I saw some dawning of understanding in her terrified eyes. There was a sudden atmosphere of crisis.
Titus said, ‘She wants to go back. And I’ll go back with her. I’ve decided to.’
I said, still trying to gain time, ‘No, no, both of you stay here. Hartley, my dear, he’ll know where you are, he won’t think you’ve drowned. He can come and see Titus here. Titus stays here, he lives here. Titus, you don’t really want to go over there, do you?’
Titus, visibly distressed, said again, ‘She wants to go back. She doesn’t want him to see the letter. There’s still time. I could run over there in twenty minutes. It’s just beyond the village, isn’t it?’
‘Oh go, please, please,’ cried Hartley, ‘go now, the door isn’t locked, you can just—’
‘Or should I run to the hotel? Which is nearer?’
I said to Titus, ‘I want him to see the letter. And you are both to stay here. Are we that man’s slaves? I want to let your mother out of that cage.’
Hartley gave a cry of woe.
‘Why do you want him to see the letter?’ said Titus. ‘I don’t understand all this, it’s like some sort of plot. I know you said you hoped she’d want to see me here, and that. But I didn’t think you meant to pull the whole bag of tricks down on her head.’
‘That is exactly what I do want to do,’ I said, ‘to pull the whole bag of tricks down on her head.’
‘No, no!’ Hartley leapt up and made a dash for the door.
I blundered after her, and reaching for her shoulder grabbed the neck of the dress, which tore a little. When she felt it tear she stopped. Then she came back to the table and sat down with her face in her hands.
Titus said, ‘Look, I don’t like this. You can’t keep her here against her will.’
‘I want her to be able to decide freely.’
‘Freely? She can’t,’ said Titus. ‘She’s forgotten about freedom long ago. Besides, if you keep her here she’ll be far too frightened to think. You don’t know what this is like, she might go mad. I’m afraid I misunderstood. You didn’t say so, but I thought you had some sort of understanding with her. I thought she was sort of prepared. But you can’t suddenly make someone leave someone they’ve lived with for years.’
‘Why not? When people do leave people they’ve lived with for years they usually do it suddenly because that’s the only possible way. I’m helping her to do what she really wants to do but without help can’t. Isn’t that clear?’
‘Not awfully.’
‘She’ll calm down, she’ll be able to think, soon, tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow? Here?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’re going to keep her all night?’
‘Yes.’
‘Suppose he comes?’
‘I don’t think he will. To answer your earlier question, I did not invite him.’
‘Oh, Jesus. What’ll he think?’
‘I don’t care a fuck what he thinks,’ I said, ‘in fact, the worse he thinks the better. Let him think anything his foul imagination can beget.’
‘That’s part of—pulling everything down?’
‘Yes.