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By Root 1726 0

that she considered her to be a dirty, low-down, conniving thief. Felicity's mistake, I gathered later from those closer to the action, was to interrupt, albeit in a low, quavering voice. At which point Caro took a swing at her. Felicity ducked, and Ludo leaped in to restrain Caro, with a half-nelson. At this identical moment, my husband made his entrance, seemingly from nowhere, but actually from the tent flap behind the disco. With a dramatic leap from stage to dance floor, his face an unfamiliar shade of white, he landed centre stage. He pulled Ludo off Caro, swung him around to face him, and landed his own punch on Ludo's jaw. It sent Ludo tottering back in astonishment and onto his bottom. As a collective gasp went up from an already captivated crowd, an unrestrained Caro found her own target, and delivered a mighty slap to Felicity's cheek. It was at this salient moment that the pig chose to enter the arena at racing speed. It stampeded through the crowd and sprayed guests left, right and centre as they ran, shrieking, for cover.

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The pig continued to storm: he careered around the dance floor like a bull in a ring, knocking people off their feet, sending champagne glasses flying, upending tables and spindly gilt chairs at the fringes of the dance floor. Mouth gaping and barking loudly, he was huge, bewildered and terrifying. Women ran shrieking for exits, clutching their hats, and a huddle of bridesmaids who'd taken cover under a table rose up like a flock of birds as Leonard charged towards them, scattering them in all directions in a flutter of ivory silk. Men shouted orders to each other, to surround him, to corner him. One whipped off his jacket and fell on him, attempting to wrap the pig's head in his coat, to blind him. But Leonard was big, clever, and surprisingly nimble. Despite the fact that his trotters failed to gain purchase on the parquet dance floor and he slithered frantically, he still evaded capture; bucking like a bronco, tossing the coat off his head and the fifteen-stone man from his back, breaking out of the circle.

Through the mayhem I caught a glimpse of Felicity. She was looking dazed, sitting at the side of the marquee on a chair, for all the world as if she were watching the dancing, although her horribly shocked face and a huge red mark on her cheek gave a lie to that. Caro was sitting a few seats along from her on another gilt chair, slumped and spent. She was also staring into space, like a prizefighter who's done her worst. She reached out and caught my arm as I ran past her.

‘She took our money,’ she muttered up at me, her eyes as vacant as a village idiot's. ‘All of it.’

I shook her off and, ignoring the pig show too, raced to the scene of another crisis. Just to the right of the dance floor, amongst the round tables and chairs, my husband, looking nothing like his quiet, gentle self, was, to my horror, squaring up to Ludo again, fists, whilst not raised, still clenched. Ludo, meanwhile, back on his feet now, had his arms outstretched, palms up, doing his best to dissuade him.

‘Ant!’ I screamed, racing up.

As he swung round, even I could see I was the oil this fire didn't need. His eyes met mine with a glittering aggression I didn't recognize, and he turned, regenerated it seemed, back to Ludo. Happily, Clarence, on my heels, had sized up the situation, and in an instant had plucked me as a cat would her kitten, by the scruff of the neck, and flung me at Malcolm, whilst in another he'd got between Ant and his target. He took Ant's shoulders and walked him firmly backwards, eloquently suggesting over his shoulder to Ludo, in words of one emphatic syllable, that he might disappear, all the while making soothing small talk to Ant, along the lines of, ‘Come on, Ant, that'll do mate. Calm down.’

Unfortunately, at this exact same moment, Leonard decided to leave the dance floor and pick a fight with Clarence. Clarence neatly sidestepped the charge on his legs, pushing Ant out of the way too, whereupon Leonard charged the top table instead. He bombed under one end, and as his