The Secret Life of Evie Hamilton - Catherine Alliott [89]
‘Anna!’
Ant caught my arm. ‘Let her go. You'll make it worse.’
I'd make it worse. Me? What had I ever done? This mess was not of my making.
I came back into the room; gripped the work surface in front of me, then changed my mind, and turned to face my husband, folding my arms in front of me, needing them there.
‘So,’ I whispered, raising my chin, ‘it all went swimmingly.’ I didn't want to be this person. This hard, sarcastic person. Didn't recognize her. Felt I'd been forced into her shoes.
‘No, but it went better than I expected. Anna's only young, Evie. Everything's either brilliant or awful in her book. And her emotions are bound to be heightened because she's so nervous. She's high, at the moment, but she'll come down. I hope not with a thud, but she'll realize that the situation is still complicated. It can't be sorted out in a few hours as easily as she's suggesting.’
I nodded. He was right. The voice of reason, as ever, echoing in my kitchen. Anna was high. On adrenalin, nerves, a glass of wine and now she wanted everything to be all right. Children do. Eternal optimists. Ever hopeful.
‘But it is more complicated?’
‘Of course it is. But essentially…’ he spread his hands, palms up, in a familiar gesture, ‘well, essentially, they're nice people. Who thus far haven't wanted to invade our lives. And who feel… very nervous… about doing it now. But the fact is, Stacey has an interview at Trinity, and it looks very much as if she'll get a place. How could she be in the same town as her father and not say anything? You must see that. Added to which, she's sixteen now. The time is right.’
I nodded. Yes, I could see that. Could see everything. I pulled a chair out and sat down shakily.
‘Was she… is she, very like you?’
‘Enough not to bother with DNA.’ He sat opposite me, watching me carefully.
‘And… nice?’
‘Yes. You'd like her. You'd like them both.’
I knew what was coming. ‘You want me to meet them.’
‘Well, that's what you originally wanted, Evie. You wanted to have them here, for tea.’
Yes, before I knew how nice they were, I wanted to say. How beautiful, how apologetic, how tremulous, how everything they should be. When they were outsiders, that's when I wanted them. Now I was the outsider. No, of course I wasn't, but that's what it felt like.
‘Or, we could just leave it at that, if you like. They certainly aren't asking for more. For any integration. Stacey just wanted to meet me, set eyes on me.’
‘Of course she did.’ In spite of my jealousy and fear I knew this to be true. Ant was encouraged.
‘And now – well, now, I don't feel I can just leave it. Walk away.’ He looked at me pleadingly. Took my hand across the table. ‘Do you see that?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered. Yes, of course I saw that. And how I loved him for it. How odd it would be if he didn't feel that. What sort of a man would that make him? But still. I was fighting myself. I looked at him.
‘How did it feel? Seeing Stacey?’
He caught his breath. ‘Indescribable, Evie. Imagine how you'd feel meeting… your child… after all these years, knowing she'd grown up without you.’ He struggled for composure. ‘I felt shame. Terrible shame. But they were quick to dispel that. Bella was at pains to point out that I couldn't have known, she hadn't told me. Because… well, obviously…’
I nodded. Because he was engaged to marry me. But still, she could have done. Other women might. Other, less educated, more money-grabbing women.
‘And love,’ he said suddenly, astonished. ‘Which completely took me by surprise. After all, she's a stranger Stacey. But I sat there thinking, how odd, I feel…’
I got up quickly. ‘Love?’
‘Not love,’ he said quickly. He ran a despairing hand through his hair. ‘Forgive me, Evie, all my emotions are heightened too, but – a definite pull, something strong.’
I nodded, staring at the wall above his head. The big