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Roger and his two sisters inherited the house and property. They all agreed that Roger would stay in the house until they could get it cleaned up and ready to sell and also find a new place for Roger. However, Roger was an extreme hoarder. While he had always hoarded in his room, when his parents died, within three years his stuff had spread into the rest of the large house, and he had also stopped taking out the trash.

At first, Kathy figured Roger was reacting to his grief. And she was right—Roger had been very close to his father, and that death sent him deep into mourning. Therapy was difficult to line up because Roger lived in a rural area, two hours from the nearest counseling services. His sisters gave him time and patience, figuring he would eventually stabilize on his own. They didn’t push him, but they did keep saying, “Roger, you know we have to get this house clean.”

The rest of the family was understandably frustrated when Roger couldn’t seem to de-clutter the house, and in fact made it worse. But they kept talking to him, gently and with love, and finally they all agreed that they would pack up everything and move it out to the garage. Roger even helped. His sisters and their husbands spent four or five weekends filling up plastic bags and bins and moving them out to the garage for Roger to sort through later.

When the job was finished, Roger’s sisters and their husbands went back home, a few hours away in the city. Roger was supposed to spend the next few weeks sorting through the items in the garage. Instead, in an unexpected change of heart, he started moving stuff back into the house. Another quick intervention followed, but left again on his own, Roger reverted to his old habits—bringing bags of things into the main part of the house and adding more to the clutter.

His sisters could have freaked out and verbally attacked Roger, understandably. They worked hard on two nasty cleanup jobs, and Roger had even agreed to both of them. Everyone in that family was still reeling from the parents’ deaths. They were all raw and could easily have been drawn into some emotional nastiness.

Instead, his sisters focused on trying to understand what was happening with Roger. They stayed patient and maintained loving spirits for a full two years after their parents’ passing. They instinctively knew that something was wrong with Roger and that it wasn’t his fault. They talked with friends, professional organizers, and cleanup people, searching for insight into the situation. They got some good advice on the logistics of sorting and organizing Roger’s stuff, but not much help on his mental state.

After the second cleanup attempt failed, Kathy confided in her minister, and he put her in touch with me. She was so relieved to finally find someone who understood what the family had been going through, and to learn that they weren’t alone. She thought Roger’s problem was just that he was stuck in extreme grief. She had read a little bit about hoarding but hadn’t talked with anyone who had firsthand experience.

Both of Roger’s sisters realized that even as they were focused on supporting him, it was okay to talk honestly with him about the issue and their desire to help. They even told him that they were confused and frustrated when he moved his things back into the house from the garage. But they knew instinctively that pushing hard wouldn’t work. It was more effective to understand him, and then do research and put together a plan for his particular situation.

The final chapter of Roger’s story has not yet been written, but the progress that he and his family have made to achieve the best life possible for him is a testament to the patient effort of everyone involved—the immediate family, the professional cleanup crew, the family’s pastor, and, of course, Roger.

WHAT WORKS, WHAT DOESN’T

The path to a successful cleanup is filled with obstacles. Just like a hoarder’s home, finding the best way in and through the problem can be challenging. And the best intentions